Not all people with Mental Illnesses are scary people. I remember when I was in St. Joe’s I met this guy who insisted he knew me. He made me nervous. That high intensity anxiety triggers my sexual libido. I feel embarrassed by it because it sounds so wrong but I’ve had too many unstable SOs to deny that either it resonates with my own BP or there is a danger and draw to people who are riding the edge. They should study that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had opportunities to get with normal people, they just don’t attract me.
So I heard this on the radio the day of that last post. I miss my car. Actually I miss driving my car in the 90’s when Alternative music was playing on the radio. I want to go-go-go.
And I am going to Philly the week after next. I haven’t been there to visit my friend H in two years. I like to take cheap vacations. It helps to get out of here and out of my head and explore places that I’m not familiar with. I fantasize that I am leaving and going somewhere else.
Do you ever get that feeling like you’re a plane on standby in the sky waiting for the signal to land? I’ve had that feeling lately like something is going to happen, something big and I am just cruising until something explodes and the paradigm shifts.
I spent 2 nights at a friend’s house and got back yesterday morning. I find it difficult getting out of these walls. If it isn’t “Something bad might happen while I’m away,” then it’s: “I am afraid to leave, I have become so deformed in the time since I last left.” It makes no sense, I know. I go over it in my mind. Over and over again and can’t reason with myself.
While Mom went to Good Friday services (I don’t do religion anymore, social constructs like those are good for certain people. I like some of the people in the church I used to be a Sunday School teacher in but the gossip and petty BS isn’t something I care to associate with a “Higher Power” {of what 10?}) I served Dad dinner. It’s still hard to get used to him smiling. In the past it meant (a smile,) that he was going to try to wheedle me into doing something for his lazy ass. It makes me uncomfortable.
I found out he’s been going into my room and taking my stuff. The privacy issues of the past rear their heads. It was a reason my room was a “pig sty”. All the better to stash condoms, underwear, booze and roaches in. Now I’m doing the same thing. It affects my mood negatively. And the paranoiac tinge makes me dizzy and hyper-aware. That’s why I hate it here.
Talking to S yesterday I said that I knew that I emphasized the hatred I had for my Father. Lately I become more and more aware of the non-saintliness of my Mother. The enabling, treating me like she does, I can’t even describe it. Another reason for me to write it down here. Maybe I can get at the core of the dysfunction and separate it from myself. I feel like I’m stuck in the tar baby, I get one limb out but in order to remove another limb I have to stick the one I removed in again.

The lyrics to Happy Trigger Jack:

He scares easily
It makes him so angry
At me

And his head it spins around
Just like the exorcist and I
Find it ever so
Hard to resist his cries

But there’s nothing more sadistic than an infant
Waving his pistol in my face
He wants me right down on my knees
Crumbling in disgrace

But he underestimates my mind
I know he’s messing with my head
My only weakness is
I can’t believe the guy could be entirely dead

Can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being
Can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being
Trigger Happy Jack
You’re gonna blow
But I’m gonna get off
Before you go
My Trigger Happy Jack is just a
Drive by a go-go-go

And after awhile he calms down
And he looks at me like a prince
But I know I better bite the bullet
‘Cause it’s just another one of his
Jedi mind tricks

But this ain’t no headtrip honey
This is a collision on the road
And you’ve got me feeling oh just like a roadkill
And you know deep down I know


Why do you make me feel like this?
Why do you gotta be such a dick?
Why do you make me feel like this?
Why do you gotta be such a dick?

And I hate myself
Just enough to want him
But I hate him just enough to get off
But I understand him
Maybe I’m just crazy enough
To love him
Why not? (Why not?)

You can’t to a psycho like a normal human being… 5x

Makes me think of G and Ra and even Ro