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I forgot again the benefits of leaving the “comfort” of my head space and physical place for parts less familiar. I returned with a tablet thanks to the generosity of T and M. I can borrow ebooks and read digitally while not cluttering my room with my beloved books. It’s a mixed blessing. The physical space occupied by a book makes me feel like it’s a portal into another world. As fantastic and silly as that sounds, for me I am refreshed when I read and can feel motivated unlike in any other way I can take a break from my life or my tormented brain.
Friends can be similar portals like books except the potential mental demands if I am in an episode or fearing a break make meeting with a friend overwhelming. I prepared myself pretty well for going to H’s in Philly. I’ve known her for 25 years and she has seen me go through different stages of my life. She left for Philadelphia when she realized that RI held no healthy future for her. I realize she is probably right. My plan to manage my past and the chaos it has held over me has come to very little fruition. I have to plan for a positive future if I want to stop a good portion of the misery in my life (barring situational falls.)
I’ve found it difficult coming back here but not as bad as other times. I feel more hopeful this time, not like I’m a fox with it’s leg caught in a trap as before. My distended sense of loyalty still tugs on my mind and heart but there is a clearing in my brain where the possibility to rip myself from this ragged reality exists and can maybe flourish. I worry though that a depressive episode may tear the tissue like strength of this psychic health realization apart. I’ll try not to dwell on that fear.
Write later, going for a walk. On the beach…
I’m reading a book written in 1977 called Ender’s Game. It’s an old sci-fi classic that I’ve avoided reading because I’m caustic and dismissive when my anger/hatred/fear side is activated. Writing this blog entry on a tablet when I think of the desktops of Ender’s world makes me wonder where Orson Scott Card got that idea.