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I was not going to come back to this blog. Leave it hanging screwed up pathetic, I didn’t want this blog to reflect my life and my brain, fractured, incomplete, raw and easily targeted for criticism. I want one of those finished products, polished and rendered into simple terms, easily digestable so American society can be spoon fed the concepts in it. The problem with those types of media is that they are closer to myth than reality and you learn very little because they show only stick figures and novelty general concepts. In truth they really help no one with serious or specific issues and are there for nostalgic purposes. I have too many issues gumming up my works; I think I’m going to have to rely on raw data and guess work before I can attempt to make a refined product.
This Wednesday I attended an Alumni event that my mom was invited to. Barring High School and before I have never completed a college degree with the exception of the Certificate I got at Training For The Future. Although that may not seem to bother me outwardly, it is an irritant under the skin of my psyche. I was tested with an 130 IQ back in Jr. High. Why can’t I complete even an Associates Degree or a Batchelors Degree? I’m not stupid. All my life I was considered stupid and slow because of the way the serious depression affected how I communicated with people and reacted to others’ actions, events and unexpected things that happened. My parents thought I was literally retarded until the California Acheivement Tests in 6th grade. When my parents found out my brother had Dyslexia they had us all tested, hence the IQ score as a teenager. As surprised as my parents were by my higher intelligence level, they never questioned how a child would appear to be retarded for so long when she was the opposite. (I must have been 11 when this happened.) I got no empathy, I was not given given a break but was pushed to attain great grades and expected to do twice the work that I had previously been expected to accomplish. You see not only do you get a “break” when you are “stupid” you are punished by usually getting shitty underpaid jobs. Being intelligent is not “better” than being stupid either. You are expected to work harder as well as figure your way out of problems that “stupider” people would get help for. Take mental illness, try to get sympathy while depressed. People expect you to reason with your brain and work your way out of it like it is a math problem. The problem is really that people don’t understand the thought process, are afraid of people more intelligent than themselves and misconstrue a quiet reserved person as more intelligent than themselves. People in general do not understand that emotions are more complicated expressed and that emotions in the context of mental illness are not necessarily going to act the same as we are taught they are. Try explaining in an essay how to ride a bike. If you know how to do it it sounds easy to explain. To take each action and describing the equipment, the placement of the body parts as opposed to the bike and to the ground, remembering all the actions that you take for granted and writing them down for someone completely ignorant to bikes and bike riding, you can see some of the challenges of explaining your own emotions, the reason you are having them, and why they may not be what you expect them to be in context of your actions or mental state. For example: why is it that some people in crisis situations can act very organize and without fear while others just fall apart? Why do some people become anxious with a task that is relatively normal (like going into a large store,) when they rationally know that they will not be harmed? How come some people hear negative judgements in their heads (not voices, just negative messages,) while others repeatedly have no such problems. And how about social filters?
I think my Best Friend Sh- hates me right now. I think she does because of an incredibly stupid short-sighted thing she did while we went out, to get revenge on her SO is really bothering her and I just remind her of what she did. I am actually glad for the break. I was angry at her for strong arming me into giving her more money than I had and telling me she’d return it later. Like that would make the bank drop the $30+ fee I will have to pay once I actually get $11 to replace the negative balance I now have. I am now angry at myself for agreeing to it. Do I need friends so badly that I should put up with that kind of a demand from someone who is suppose to give a damn about me? Am I so sick and pathetic that I can’t have a healthy relationship with a person who I consider a “best friend”? How many relationships do I have that are that ill? Usually at this point (I contacted her last week on Thursday trying to express my desire to help her with networking with another FB page admin so that she might meet someone else physically and possibly get a tangible contact that might help her with her ultimate goal of running a health type center for MI people,) I become scared that she doesn’t like me and will hate me forever and will never contact me and I am a useless pathetic f^ck that dosn’t deserve friends and I will always be alone and bereft of social contact. My mind is a monkey on crack in a whirlwind. I have many severe problems because the inner voices in my head like to tear me down and show me a horrible empty future. It is more real to me than reality.
Today though I am not desperately managing my negative monologue. There are hard facts of wrongdoing and not on my part. And this time instead of “making her (them,) pay,” I want out of the head f^ck. I don’t care about the short term losing money, I am more concerned if this relationship is a healthy one to continue. I would rather be alone than with someone who just waits for that moment to take advantage of my poor self esteem. Manipulation makes me disgusted.
So all this small drama, so Bipolar, and unnecessary.
I’m not sure what I want to deal with first: the past (abuse, neglect etc.,) the present (Bipolar symptoms and my relationships,) or my future (goals and what I want to do about making my life better.) Of everything, I just want to reduce the suffering and feel more in control of the Bipolar symptoms so I can handle the other things in my life with better finesse.