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The early stages of an episode usually brings on melancholia, paranoia and grudges as well as ultra sensitivity. At least it does for me.
I want to work on the little iPod that E got me. Sinking into music while I have to be in public helps me to not freak out with anxiety. I try to take as little medication as possible. I think it’s one of the elements that makes people with MIs more susceptible to early death compared to “norms”.
Today was a throw away day. Mom and I started out with good intentions of getting some errands run. All places we were to get our business done are closed on Mondays. So we went to Olive Garden. You know the soupsaladbreadstick deal. It’s gone up but wtf we needed something. Coming home she volunteered the huys help in loading the van for a dump run. 4 boxes of books for the dump library and an old HP printer that still worked but nothing would have the software to communicate with it now. It was still in Windows 95.
I thought that would be the end of it. I brought down the Vampire Stories book I’ve been reading (all classics so no sparkles,) to gork in front of the boob tube. I became guilty as my Mother untangled her paperwork. Then she claimed that we could go to the funeral home and buy my father an urn. It’s kind of an enameled turquoise blue with sea gulls on it. And it strikes me now that was kind of weird because we saw 4 dead sea gulls within 20 feet of each other on the Escape Road coming back from our morning of unfulfilled errands. Coming back from the funeral parlor they were gone. Was DEM that fast? Maybe it was Animal Control. Who knows.
At home past the loud words with my eldest and dinner roast chicken, we watched Jeopardy and this Asian looking dude has been kicking @ss for a month now (only because 80s and 90s weeks brought back old contenders and he’s competed between them.) I figure since there’s nothing on I’d tune in to cable and catch Good Will Hunting and dream of when I’d take the T in Boston.
Mom had something to watch so I go downstairs which I really haven’t done in more than 2 years and sort through the boxes I have stuff stored from the old apartment. It makes me think of childhood toys for some reason. I guess the nostalgia of a different time that I tend to think was better than now but probably wasn’t. I have 3 or 4 boxes of things to be sold or go to Big Sisters. Who wants a Super 8 Editing machine?
So I feel a bit accomplished until I realize that I didn’t take my meds. Go figure. At least I folded the laundry, right? I’lll never be able to maintain anything, my health, a plant, a pet I sometimes wonder how I didn’t cut the cord a long time ago. I listened to a CD with covers of Depeche Mode by various bands like Smashing Pumpkins and Rammstein. It was okay but a bit too atmospheric for my taste tonight. I put on a copy of The Bogmen but I don’t think it is “Life Begins at 40 Million” because it doesn’t have “Dr. Jerome (Love Tub, Doctor)” on it. I’ll have to ask P, he probably burned it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to endure Devo tonight so I didn’t bother putting it on even though this album has “Mongoloid” and “Jocko Homo”. i’ll leave it for when I drive to Providence and I need a song full of needles to wake me up. Anyway, I find this song soothing even though the lyrics make me angry and I don’t really know why. Probably it reminds me of some people I know. The video isn’t all that interesting if I say so myself.

Listen to the girl
As she takes on half the world
Moving up and so alive
In her honey dripping beehive
It’s good, so good, it’s so good
So good

Walking back to you
Is the hardest thing that
I can do
That I can do for you
For you

I’ll be your plastic toy
I’ll be your plastic toy
For you

Eating up the scum
Is the hardest thing for
Me to do

Just like honey…

“Just Like Honey” is a song by the Scottish alternative rock band The Jesus and Mary Chain from their 1985 debut album Psychocandy. (from Wikipedia)