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Tomorrow is my father’s memorial. And I don’t know what to do with the information. I don’t hate him. I don’t really miss him. I’m good with everything right now.
When people give me sympathy I think my cheery response that I was okay and his death was good kind of went over like a lead balloon. So even though I don’t mind talking about it I stopped saying anything because it started making me uncomfortable.
And then questions about my own stability started to enter my head: was I losing it? Was I entering hypomania again? Does it matter? What was the right way to approach this? Is it really a problem? Is it other people’s problem? Was it something that even needed to be addressed or just ignored and left behind?
I am having what I think are panic attacks. Vertigo and chest pains hit me at unexpected moments. I keep forgetting the Xanax and power on. The past slaps me in the cranium and I stare dully while I try to collect my actions that have been dropped.
No I’m not grieving, I’m just hanging on.

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