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Mindfulness, reading A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook. I constantly think to myself while reading about the techniques that it’s b^llsh!t. I feel like these techniques are asking me to admit I’m one of the @ssholes in the shadow crowd on this big blue marble. I feel like it’s asking me to join the mindless cult of happy cr@p b^llshit. Is it my fate to polish my mind to a smooth substance that glides like goose sh!t through this society so I accept my fate of dealing with a million other @sshats elegantly? I’ve stored so much hatred inside that I bulge and my mind hurts. I’ve been graceful in the past and I can admit that I’ve been passive-aggressive, I’ve avoided and pick any sin, tired and old.
Watching primetime television now. There is little difference between shows. I watch Hannibal; I like Mads Mikkelsen (sp?). He was great in Green Butchers. So far the series has dragged on despite an excellent cast of characters like the writers are dragging their heels. I sometimes fall asleep infront of the screen.
Lately I feel angry and disgusted by the use of Gigantic in the newest iPhone ads. I hope Black Francis and Pixies got a big paycheck. The days spent listening to that track are sullied, cheapened by humanity. Which is why I question the meaning of rejoining a pack of celebrity blowers after being summarily evicted. Struggle or swim?
I’m so angry. I’m so mad.
Bad things are coming. I see the signs. Usually come in threes. Have you ever felt that sickening feeling that comes when your hormones change? Like when you went through puberty and everything was so significant and forced? A bad episode is coming on again. I really wish I had my iPod. I need to be in my head without locking myself in my room. This is where madness like illness gets boring. The process is awful and the results are unpredictable.
Today I continued on the copy of the sketch of the Tlingit raven pattern. I want to copy the frog pattern as well as the McClean and Macfie shields. Spiders and elephants and monkeyes. Ganesh and Hanuman. The beginning of the book. I’m hoping it’ll form itself organically.
This friggin’ ad again!
Should I be lenient on myself? The PTSD, abuse survivor, all the other crap harbored inside me. No I am not a unique snowflake. I’m not part of the storm. What is best, struggle and get to my core or slowly sink under the riptide.