So C is gone and I personally Xed out as many days as I felt were hanging out of sync with balance. And this is a mental health topic. Most of my life has been “had to”.
I want to kill myself today. I can’t stand the sight of everyone, anyone. With every step my chest compresses and I feel a tortuous scream coming on. I walked out that door because I “had to”.
What would have happened if I just refused to do what I was told?
No the day DID NOT GET BETTER. No the act of pure denial in the face of suffering DID NOT RELIEVE my stress. No, it’s NOT ALL RIGHT NOW. I’m glad that works for you. Forcing me to JUST DEAL WITH IT didn’t improve my anxiety or my depression. It never did and because I’ve done this so many times I believe that it will continue not to improve my “outlook” nor my suffering.
“When I’m an adult I’m going to…” What did you claim? I claimed that I would establish Mental Health Days. These were days where I would refuse to do what I “had” to do and do something else instead. It sounds easy doesn’t it? It’s actually not. First, what do you do instead of what you usually do? I found out sitting in my bed under the covers made my life more difficult. I had kids, the dishes didn’t get done, bills didn’t get paid, meals didn’t make themselves and if I didn’t do these things or take care of them serious repercussions happened. I didn’t have tons of money to do much of anything either so second if I wanted to do anything that involved money I had to plan it out well. Third I found it pays to be creative to come up with things that are not going to make me feel worse or make things more difficult for myself. Fourth I still had responsibilities at that time that had to be met so I had to find a reasonable way to meet the least amount of those expectations while still helping myself feel better.
Why am I even writing this?
Literally I felt I had to come here after not going online for some time. Once C left I felt like my world fell apart. Then I felt really dumb like I was being over dramatic. And then I looked at that thought process and really examined it. Did I have a right to feel devastated that C was now living in a state more than a 1000 miles away? Did it matter if I had a right or not? I just felt that way. Is it really this hard to be human? Is it really necessary for me to have to be in such torment? Is this necessary?
No. No, it’s not. And as much as many people I know like to believe that I actually do this to myself and therefore being the author can prevent it, I don’t create this. God to get the guilt to dissipate requires such effort. I feel I have wasted much of my own time working to unravel the Gordian Knots of hopelessness. Have I written this before? I know I’m going over old ground. Being lost in my head without tools to set off the traps of trauma so they won’t catch me again and again is like limping around a snowy forest miles away from civilization without guiding devices. What’s worse is no one wants to be here with me to teach me how to deal with these snares and work around them with my impediments. Why is it people, even people who know better, talk their big mouths about being patient and understanding yet discard others who obviously need help? Is it a big surprise I trust no one?