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WARNING POTENTIALLY DISTURBING SUBJECT(S)

WARNING POTENTIALLY DISTURBING SUBJECT(S)

WARNING POTENTIALLY DISTURBING SUBJECT(S)

WARNING POTENTIALLY DISTURBING SUBJECT(S)

WARNING POTENTIALLY DISTURBING SUBJECT(S)

I was masturbating in my room when a thought entered my head. What will happen when they discover the d!ldº under my bed? I don’t want to traumatize anybody in the family but I hate that most people paint this false Rockwellian picture of their parents and loved ones. I know I did it but only with my Mother. My brothers and I knew full well about the abundant porn collection my father had. I didn’t count the Heavy Metals that he had subscribed to his whole life. Probably since it first came out. I fell in love with Tanino Liberatore‘s ultra-violent RanXerox. I was precocious and knew how to masturbate since I was at least 5. That’s what happened when I was molested at 4. That itch that seems to turn me inside out demanded a scratch. I didn’t know what the h3ll I was doing. I’d masturbate in front of anyone. My Mother told me I was tired and that I needed to go to bed. I still wonder if she knew what was going on. She must have right? She’d have done something different then demand I leave. Sometimes I hate that puta. 

Well I just came on (ha ha, now I’m going to have a hard time not picking out double entendres,) because listening to “Bob” in Pork Soda made me hºrny. Kind of sick when I figured in that it’s about a man that hung himself in his house. I suppose I could go on about the s3xual stuff. It doesn’t really bother me, it’s just another body function. I wish I could get rid of it only because it would be nice to have a partner in crime. For a long time I had strict rules about how I could masturbate and I felt so disgusting when I did that when I realized that I was miserable and could change it I found a way to do it. I have no problem walking into a sex shop and looking around and buying something for myself or someone else. I usually look so unpleasant that no one wants to look at my face after one glance. That’s probably why I’ve always hooked up with the cr@zy mo fos. Crazy don’t care. Then again, look who’s talking.

I bought 3 albums. Primus: Pork Soda, SurfacingSarah McLachlan and Radiohead: The Best Of all albums I want on that tiny iPod I got for Christmas. Thank you E. Something to feed the demon, something to make me cry and something to give a lackluster day some atmosphere. I bought them last week when Mike and I went to Newbury Comics. Yeah, I know I should have gone to Looneytunes II but I can’t enter that place unless I know that Mand is there. The juju is way too painful what with the business being shut down next door. It still feels like yesterday. 

So it’s 5:44am do I take a pill and hope to get some rest? Sleep half the day? Drive up to Mert’s which I had planned to do? It looks like cr@p out right now but suppose to clear up. Jay went squid jigging last night but said he sighted nothing. Kevo had taken the van to see his father. I haven’t talked to that man for at least 5 years. He called me a crazy b!tch then. And I was. He drove me there. He should take the credit for the passion. He fed the demon turbo fueled candy. I let it off it’s leash but he didn’t have to goad it. You get what you pay for you stupid putz. And he did have one. That I do miss. He could take direction.

So getting those albums signified the life rift between Candy leaving and life as it is. I’ll listen to them to help me remember this chapter. I am very unhappy the kids grew up. Let me amend that, the demon is really p!ssed they are now men. I knew it was going to happen and I’m sad it did but they turned out well I think. Well people tell me that they did considering what we went through and I alone with them. I’m no hero but it seems that people put me on a pedestal just one rung lower than a hero like I’m something special. That would be nice if these same people helped me out when I needed it, REALLY needed it. I don’t want any back pats, save it for a therapy group. I’d rather have someone help me out of a serious down. The demon doesn’t care unless my anger gets triggered to the point where I can’t see that my passion is becoming blind. The demon likes to scream. It likes anger particularly and hate. That’s why I have to hide so much. Most of me is relatively tolerant. Tolerance is not in the demon’s vocabulary. Wait is. But if I am in an episode there is no wait. I embarrass people. The demon laughs. And while it loudly and abrasively brays offensive things I cringe inside waiting to go somewhere isolated or better yet home. I just started being able to locate myself inside the shell while the demon reacted and directed. Once the demon is activated it refuses to listen to reason so I have a hard time trying to divert it to take me home. And sometimes people don’t get it and try to tell me/it that I don’t need to leave. Even while I am there mortifying them. I’ll never understand it. The things people will do to make a situation seem like everything is a-okay. Is it just a special brand of denial that only my family has? Or is it the scapegoat pattern that reinforces the special h3llish reality that the scapegoat serves? “Go ahead and keep acting like an @sshºle. Everyone here will see how normal we are compare to you. And you will self flagellate later to cement the guilt so we can keep treating you like this.” Yes people told me I needed to move. No I did not.

And I leave you with a relevant song that I really like (go listen to it.)

 

The Air Is Getting Slippery

It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here
The air is getting slippery and it's not to my surprise
My heart, it beats irregularly and the sweat it fills my eyes
I do not mind what I excrete 'cause
I'm here to make a buck
And those that cannot take the heat can take a flying...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

The dogs are barking merrily as Jerry sits on high
If you've studied your Floyd property, you'd know that pigs could fly
Now if you want an encore you might hear it is luck
But me, I'd rather play Residents, 'cause I don't give a...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

Now, Fatty, he's a hell of a guy but he sweats like a dancing mule
He likes to hang out at Checker Gas with the Chets he knew from high school
He sold enough crystal meth to buy a stepside truck
But if you ask me twice I'd say the boy ain't worth a...
Forgive me if I hesitate
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here

The act of perspiration is far beyond control
If the heat compels to aspirate please try not to miss the bowl
If sweatiness makes you horny, well darlin' I think you're in luck
'Cause all this clever banter gives me the urge to F^CK

Primus – Pork Soda (1993) Full Album

No video really. Just a static picture of the cover of Primus’ Pork Soda. And just one disc like I bought.

 

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