I assume my posts haven’t been very positive lately. I know that I’m in the midst of an episode. Whether it’s depression or hypo-mania I’m not sure. I do know that the superstitions are beginning to rule me. When that starts I find that I become frantic. I stop communicating with people because at this point regular people give me tired homilies like “just relax” or “you need to…” add whatever stupid home remedy you like that is ineffective for serious crisis. And that is why I don’t talk to people. They don’t take this seriously. They assume it’s an existential cry for attention or a simple breakdown (not that those are simple, just that people who’ve never experienced one and have heard of them through the media seem to think they are,) that can be solved by action or some kind of quick fix.
The reality is (for me,) these things take time. A cycle needs it’s sections completed before the process is over. In the beginning of any episode I’ve had around 3 to 5 circumstances occur. They may take a week to happen or 6 months. I usually don’t see them happen because a large amount of unfortunate (or unusual or large,) things can happen in my life and not really coalesce into the beginning of an episode. So far these things have happened: a best friend “dumped me”, my father died, my son moved 1502.27 miles away, I took 2 classes in subjects I find important and I lost my cell phone. These things have happened within this years’ time span. So the build-up has been coming. And the signs may not actually be the things that are adding to the stress. I’ve found that what some people find stressful aren’t things that affect me that much in my life or if they do they affect my life for different reasons.
Of course these things are not unusual. Stress, the build-up of pressure from life events, the fact that people are different in how events affect their lives are common to most people. The fact that others dismiss my fears and reactions as drama induced or inducing is what makes my anger roil. Actually that doesn’t raise my ire; when people wonder why I don’t talk to other people about my troubles that makes me really p!ssed. The truth is that people really don’t care. They say they do but I know they don’t. They’ll rush to finish my sentences like I’m boring them. They’ll tell me how I feel like they think they know what’s going on in my mind. I used to think that they just wanted to relate to me, they were in a hurry so we could solve the problem together. That’s not it though. People really don’t want to deal with someone who doesn’t toe the line and just says, “ya, ya, sure what ever you just said is really going to work.”
They get mad and reply, “Well you didn’t even try it.”
That’s right, I have not tried so so many things all these years. You’re a layman who can tell me what to do that’s going to cure a problem that scientists don’t really understand all that well. And here’s the kicker. I didn’t ask for advice. I would really just like you to listen.
This has become boring.
So I am descending through gelatin, slowly falling through translucent pudding. I can’t see well enough to swim my way through. I do know that eventually this episode will end. I am tired of them happening. I am tired of having people infer that they’re my fault. I am making a list of realistic ways to survive these periods so that I don’t encourage more negative things to happen. Usually that’s what occurs, like dominoes one bad thing happens then that drives something else to fall. I can halt the amount of awful events by being careful where I go and what I do. At the beginning of this month I wasn’t so careful and spent way too much on things I can’t remember. So now it’s tip toe around the gargoyles den and wait for the month to end. It’s hardly a way to live but it’s better than what used to happen when I went full tilt boogie gonzo. Although gonzo is way more entertaining than this stasis. Gonzo has longer ranging consequences.
I am outta here people. PEACE!