black sheep, Blame, Current Events, Demon, disaster, Downward Spiral, mental health, mental illness, Past, personal, Personal Relationships, Possible Triggers, PTSD, recovery, Symptoms, The Past, WRAP
Contains Disturbing Content – May Trigger Anyone with Abuse Issues
I went to OASIS today after the dermatology appointment. That thing on my ear has an official condition name but it’s benign. I’m getting it checked in September to see if it’s still just benign. So I was a little pumped when I got in but patient.
There’s a guy who looks like he’s homeless that comes in every now and again. Doesn’t bother me, I’ve been homeless so I know it doesn’t change a person’s personality. He sat down in Recovery Group. Much to my surprise he joined in. I thought he looked like someone that attended the school I’d been in most of my life. Anyway, turns out he was someone I knew of from school just not the guy I thought he was. We spent most of the afternoon him talking, me listening. Although I have been in the same state for years I have avoided almost all the people I grew up with. I never wanted to see them again. I’d been tormented and bullied throughout my life and had no interest seeing these people as adults.
Many names I recognized. Some I even could place with faces. To me they were all characters in some long movie I was forced to watch. And it was like a quiz show hearing someone say: “Hey did you know PG hung herself over her brother S’s grave? So and so gave himself a hot shot.” “That one got beaten with his own baseball bat outside his own apartment because of a woman.”
I can’t rightfully say that I was pleased that these people from the past were dead. I also can’t say that I really cared one way or another. They were not a part of my present and dead or alive they didn’t exist for me.
The draw for me in listening to all these updates was the reality checks. These people did exist. My past, not that I thought it wasn’t there, was not an empty space. I am left wondering now if this was a good happenstance. Is this something that can help my mind heal? Or is it another torment that will set the winds a wailing, picking me up to beat what stability I have out of me so I’m left spent.
I’m so d@mn tired.
I didn’t practice IPS values for the most part. I swore a lot without remembering or being aware that I was swearing. I was passionate.
D invited me out for dinner. Maybe it was stupid to accept. I don’t know why I did. Maybe it’s because I always hope to make another friend. I definitely don’t want anything romantic. I can’t involve myself with anyone that way anymore. I don’t know how I feel about going for dinner. Right now I want to run away. Never come back. Start fresh somewhere else. I am so very very.
When I was young I was severely withdrawn and depressed. The babysitter’s husband had molested me and my brother at a young age. I remember things like the way the sun shone in the window by the curtain in the bedroom. Crawling into bed for a “nap”. The way the sheets smelled like old cigarettes. His hand stroking my blond hair as I sat on his lap and him cooing to me from his gap toothed mouth. I was such a sweet little blond girl. I was docile.
I was sexually precocious if not socially. I masturbated daily to forget the bullying from the kids at school. I didn’t know that that was what I was doing. I just knew the shocks slammed through me and it would be the only thing I could feel. It helped me forget that I was white trash stained. My parents didn’t own me anymore I was like some kind of changeling left behind as a burden for my parents to bear. I was useless and unwanted and that is why this had happened to me. It was all tied together and I had no right to fight it. I was the whipping boy without a prince. The black sheep, the scape goat the convenient excuse for failure. All would be well in the family because I was getting the payback for every transgression that the family committed. I deserved to be subhuman.
I need to stop right here. I can smell the dog sh!t that was ground into the floor.