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I know. Just watch the video. It’s really how I am feeling about everything I’ve written her and haven’t.

 

I’m not sure if I am in such a place that is so lacking in worthwhile Mental Health care that I’ve gotten lost in the system or if I am high functioning enough to fool the fools that I go to.

I’m juggling some issues lately that have kept me walking round in circles distracted as which things to tackle first or whole heartedly to the other issues disadvantages. One issue: my Mother’s health is failing. So soon after my father died my Mother’s chemo finished. I was asking IPS and WRAP classes all the while. I started attending OASIS as much as I possibly could knowing that my mind is disjointed and making promises is a good way to lose friends and I couldn’t be dependable. Anyway the insomnia (which is now keeping me up all through the night to 5 or 6 am,) is kicking my butt and I sleep until noon or 1 pm. I don’t want it to get worse. The garden has to be tended to. My Mom is becoming weaker (she began feeling sick to her stomach and the doctors believe that they may have sewed her intestine to her stomach wall.) Her finances are cut in half. More importantly to me: I carry the fear that my Mother may die soon around all the time.

Second issue: I miss C who moved to North Dakota. He didn’t do much (I’m sorry C but I have to be honest here,) but he was the one person that I could rely on to handle me when I went mental. I can’t explain all the things he did. Suffice it to say when I became seriously paranoid he was the one touchstone in my life that I trusted. I don’t trust men as a rule (early childhood molestation created that.) C is the one man I can hug only because he is my son. And he isn’t affected by my massive anxiety. My other son is. My major support that helped me through bad episodes is gone.

The Third issue: My episodes are changing such that I don’t know when one ended and another started until much later than when it would help to plan for future episodes. The sleeping is a problem still but the depression is different. It’s not like I get Major Depression as much any more. It’s more along the lines of aggravation, hypomania, memory problems, skin problems, eating problems, agoraphobia, I have a severe problem with using the phone. I’m being nibbled to death by ducks.

The Fourth issue: I haven’t really grieved for my Grandmother, Grandfather, best friend in Alaska, or my father. I don’t know why. They are on my mind. Sometimes I think I’ll get a balloon and attach a note to one or another of them about my regrets and let it go. But that seems so stupid. Yes it’s symbolic, but seriously will it actually help me or just filch me out of the cost of paper and a balloon? I just don’t know.

The Fifth issue: My health is going down. I want to lose weight. I want to because I want to feel better. I want to be able to bend over and touch my toes again. My favorite hobby for the last like 5 years has been eating. I do most of it alone. I don’t want people to look at me. I don’t want to go to a restaurant. And it’s doing it’s damage.

The Sixth issue: I am so sick of people. I am sloughing friends faster than you can say “I’m not sorry”. I don’t care. I want to be alone. It’s too much energy trying to please people and I just don’t care. Plus the fact that I’ve decided that I’m not putting up with other peoples’ expectations anymore. I am so sick hearing “in order to be a good friend you have to…” No I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not jumping through hoops. Obviously you’ve mistaken me with some made up character in a Cosmopolitan article. I didn’t call because I am having a serious issue right now. And yes, my father died that is just about as serious as you leaving your boyfriend because he’s a stupid dick which you pointed out to me about 6 months ago anyway. I’m sorry you are doing all the things I have already done 20 years ago. I am not going to tell you how to live your life. I hate giving advice.

The Seventh issue: I’M NOT TAKING CARE OF ANYONE OTHER THAN MY MOTHER ANY F^CK!NG MORE. What is wrong with you? Didn’t you see the troubles I was having dealing with my father’s Dementia and then his death? Can’t you see that my Mother is now going down? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SELFISH PEOPLE? Seriously. Keep pushing me and see where it gets you.

The Eighth issue: I love my family. They love someone that looks like me and looks like someone who deserves no respect and is exists to be used. They say that I’m crazy when I’m mentally disabled. They believe that I’ve just created a niche lifestyle for myself when I’m actually struggling to survive. Every negative attribute they laid on me from the past is alive and breathing in their minds. They attempt to help me out under the assumption that I am some kind of a half wit. I benefit as well as suffer by being a part of this family unit. I don’t know if I should take the drop and leave for anther state without support or stay and try to put up with this half assed existence.

The Ninth issue: I can’t keep a job. My life is a mess. Even if my life weren’t I’m afraid that I am so damaged that I wouldn’t be able to be entirely independent.

There are more but I just have to end this entry.

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