I’ll be going to OASIS tomorrow only because I don’t know what to do with myself. Usually by the time I head to bed I have a plan as to how the next day should be approached. I am meeting more people which is what I wanted when I promised myself I’d get out more. I don’t know if I’m the problem though. Today at the library I was sitting at the computers responding to other blog posts that I was reading. The woman (girl?) next to me asked if I could help her with the Excel program on her computer that she was waiting to come on screen. I haven’t worked on Excel since about 2006 so considering there’s about an 8 year gap the technology has undoubtedly changed. I told her I didn’t feel confident that I’d know the commands and menus but I’d try. Then in a drawling, hemming, hawing way she said that she was applying for a job that she really needed. Long story short: I closed out my windows and begged my departure. Some woman behind me offered her own help so I felt that I didn’t need to be there anyway. Honestly I felt revulsion and hoped that whatever company she was applying to would not accept her as an employee. I don’t like people who lie about their own abilities and then expect someone else to do the work for them. They are parasites to me. After she asked me to basically do the work on two questions this online test posited her I point blank asked her if she even knew Excel at all. She didn’t know the basics like the difference between a column and a row.
Tomorrow I will go into OASIS and ask if I can do some groups on Recovery that I hope to include some aspects of Intentional Peer Support. I am currently struggling right now since my Mother got sick and hasn’t gotten much better even though she’s taking the antibiotic. In fact she looks even more tired and more unwell than last week. One of the women at OASIS I talk to was a bit dismissive with me when I related my fear that my Mother could die. A study of couples married for years demonstrated that is was common that if one person died the other would die within a year. Since August Mom’s had a hysterectomy, 6 months of chemotherapy, my father dying about three and a half months ago and now they suspect Diverticulosis or that the surgeon may have sewn her intestine to her stomach wall. She (the woman, not my Mother,) told me not to catastrophize my Mother’s situation. It’s been bugging me since Friday and I don’t know how to handle it.
So now I will be less likely to share anything personal. Maybe that’s for the better. Last week I met a man at OASIS that I went to school with. Even though I have been living close to the community I grew up in I have made a very HUGE effort NOT to include myself with the people I knew from the past. I probably border on misanthropic tendencies since I probably physically saw about 7 people that I knew from school within the 25 years I lived in this community. This resulted in my not knowing of certain people’s deaths and other people’s changes. I really don’t care. I hated them then, I have no interest in them now. Still I talked to this guy; I was interested to see who I could remember. I have missing chunks in my memories and certain people have fallen through the chinks so that their names and faces are strange to me. As we talked (I remembered his name because I knew his sister as one of the few people who didn’t bully me,) another of the OASIS attendees kept trying to interpose himself between this other man and I to talk to him at my exclusion. It really didn’t bother me too much. Our conversation was animated and my head started to hurt and my brain started to become overwhelmed at the amount of people I’d forgotten or remembered and the things that happened to them. At the same time his efforts to ask totally unrelated questions solidified his buttinski nature. I was getting irritated at the additional info overload that was not only unexpected but unwanted by both of us.
I’m just hoping I get a bit of a break tomorrow. No snarky retorts judging my state of mind, no kibitzers, no more talk of the past. I think I need a serious break from all this “healing”. I wished I went to Philadelphia this month. I could really stand to get out of my element.
Oh yeah, I wanted to include this particular article I found while looking for a catastrophizing definition…
10 Subtle Signs of Bipolar Disorder: Here are 10 signs that mood problems may be due to more than a quirky or difficult personality.