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David Bowie – Ashes To Ashes

An old David Bowie video I saw back on Saturday Night Live when I was a kid. I hate clowns. Seeing Bowie dressed as a Pierrot character with the group of judges and Columbine grouped about him evokes an image of alienation especially with the Solarised color style the video was shot in. It reminds me of the eighties and it’s washed out decadence. Thank you Ronnie. 

I don’t feel much like writing. At least I got the “line poem” done. I made a new list of kitchen items made from antique kitchen implements.

Mom’s cat-scan came back. The doctor says that there’s something in her intestines. It could be that the cancer came back. I’m glad that N hasn’t returned from her hysterectomy to OASIS yet. I feel so sick inside I do not know what to do. I do things. I clean, make dinner, get her tea. I try to contact C in North Dakota to call her if not me. There is no emotion, just the heavy waiting that has begun. Where will my life go from here? I know it makes me look egotistical but that’s what happens when you have always been the only person willing to save you from the storms. Survival really is the only thing I do best. It must count for something that I know this base thing about myself.

Tick, tock, whites look whiter. Tick, tock, time becomes fluid. Tick, Tock, I am related to no one and there’s nothing that will help me so help me god. Just walk on, each step pounding out the beat of the tick tock. The less I feel the better I’ll cope. Crisis has always shown how resilient I am.

I know I had something more to say but my brain is leaking today. I’m reading Graphic Classics Volume 4: H. P. Lovecraft to try to take my mind off what’s going on and it seems just too strange.