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I’ve been dark lately, I bet you can’t tell. Well. I’m taking a little breaky break. Before I tear someone a new one I think it’s time to step out of reality and go somewhere I can relax and deny what’s going on in my life. So I’m posting this video which is a bit disturbing in the way that the band members’ body parts are detached but really helps to demonstrate how I deal with things that seem to want to swallow my soul.

Horror movies, music and gallows humor. I really don’t want empathy mainly because I don’t want to visit the pain. And if you know how deep my brain walks in the depths of darkness you’d avoid sharing cognitive empathy with me. So here you go…



Whoops! Sorry, I really didn’t post it for you. I did it for myself.

So today K and I brought Mom to see The Nina and The Pinta at a sailing museum. The boats are actually replicas and I thought they were pretty cool. The thing is that they look much smaller than I thought they’d look. And volunteers actually apply to sail these boats. I was thinking of having K apply just so he could get out of the house and do something cool. The thing is his version of cool is probably much different than my version and most likely involves beer.

We came home and Mom laid down on the couch. She’s been doing that lately. She’s been very tired and her belly hurts most of the day. We watched some movies after I went out and went food shopping which I had promised to do yesterday morning. I didn’t yesterday because I took some Alprazolam to get to sleep. I am trying to readjust my sleeping times. See how good I’m doing? (I’m making pretend it’s not 3:45 am.) Anyway it takes me a bathroom break and 3 more hours in bed to get up from that medication. Tonight I may try the Xanax. I need coffee to help the grogginess leave. Tonight or maybe tomorrow since it’s really later than I want to take something, I’ll take the Lorazepam. I hate these drugs. I hate things that make me dopey. They do help with the anxiety but they really kick me in the @ss.

No good or this week. It’s suppose to be rainy. I made the bacon strata and the ham and cheese strata. They’re soaking in the fridge. I’ll cut some green onions tomorrow so I can make the simple asian chicken thighs. Right now, I’m going into the kitchen to get myself a big glass of unsweetened sun tea. Cheap easy and delicious, I made it last week. Trying to focus on the things that are good until the depression creeps in. Which is why I don’t want to take the Xanax or Ativan. It’s like trying to balance a ping pong ball between two jet streams of air without it flying off into space.

I’m not beating myself up about tomorrows’ ruined waking time because Mom has J coming over to help her with her car. She’s spending the rest of the day calling those r@t b@st@rds who were suppose to tell her what was going on with her GP and the cat-scan results. It’s bad enough she can’t eat dairy because she’s taking an antibiotic (and for 6 more days,) that makes her nauseous.  They can’t seem to get their sh!t together to have some results go from one part of the SMALLEST state in the USA to another part of the same said state. To me I swear her belly looked swollen. It’s killing me, is it me or is she really progressing fast? That’s a rhetorical question.