It took me 40 minutes and 8 snooze button hits to get out of bed today even though I wanted to get up. Signs of encroaching depression. I made it up to the Providence OASIS almost 30 minutes late but they really hadn’t started the function since they were expecting more people to come. It also didn’t go as I expected it to; I thought we were suppose to get our Certified Peer Support Specialists certificates which is why it was held as a Pizza Party. Still I learned much more about what was going on with other Certified Peer Support Specialists and OASIS’ plans to encourage IPS (Intentional Peer Support,) communication skills.
I drove up listening to Radiohead because I just couldn’t get angry enough for Rammstein. And as the tears rolled down my cheeks I thanked my sunglasses for hiding my eyes from the other drivers. But it doesn’t matter I angrily thought to myself. No one was looking at me. I made myself into this. I hide in broad daylight. I have to remind myself that I’m this way. I forget that I dress like this, I made my body this way for a reason. I’m not normal. It’s not greed, it’s not forgetfulness nor is it natural. I didn’t feel better but remembered why I did this and that I had a point to this trip. It wasn’t an off the cuff discovery excursion where I could fill my eyes and mind with wonder and forget who I was because it wouldn’t matter. I needed to be an adult.
Coming back I thought of E and his expectations of me giving him the Dell that I don’t need anymore. I wouldn’t mind giving it to him either. The problem is it has no mouse or keyboard. E’s response was, “Oh, you can just go buy one at Radioshack you know.”
Like I have money falling out of my @ssh0le.
I told him I wasn’t buying anything. If I give something away it was because it was free. So he shoots back, “You can go look in the electronics part of the dump. You could find them there.” And that just really peeved me. It was very selfish to me. E knows that my Mother has cancer and I take care of her. And even if I didn’t, if I had all the time in the world, what drives him to think that his suggestions are anything but vulgar?
And I realize that this is how it is with many people who are very involved with the MI system. It turns you into a thoughtless entitled automaton. You don’t get to practice real time etiquette. You are herded to appointments where doctors, nurses and medical professionals tell you what to do, what to take. Your social worker tells you where to go, what to apply for, how to live and what you’re suppose to think. And you are treated like you are a senseless fool.
And this lead to me remembering the last time I saw him as he left OASIS. He shouted back “Oh yeah, don’t forget to bring the CB Radio!” Which I never told him I was giving to him. I have been feeling like I caught myself in a sticky spider’s web of promises. And that’s the thing: I’m not stuck. He can believe whatever he wants. He can believe that I’m giving him $1000. I’m not. And I decided to let it go. I don’t have to answer to him. The more I hold on to it the more important it becomes. I’m not directing it only in that I will state what I actually will do.