I’ve been struggling with many things. It’s usually a quiet struggle if you know me. I mean that in the way that I will talk about it but I’m not as dramatic about what I’m explaining. At least I think I’m not.
In this video (I love Craig Ferguson,) Craig talks about his own personal awakening to how he talked about other people on his show especially how he’d make fun about certain people who have some serious problems and through their actions are showing that they are troubled. He says he’s become uncomfortable making fun of vulnerable people.
The thing I like about what he says is not just he’s aware of the personalization of putting people down but also that he’s speaking for himself. He’s an expert on “his own story” and only speaks for himself. And I like that. It’s something I can relate to. He shares his own story as well about suicide and self medicating and getting to the point of wanting the drinking and his life as it was to end. He shares that even though you can go through rehab a good program will have you understand that it is actually a beginning when you leave the door and go out into the world. It is a job to be sober. To me that resonates with being stable and aware of one’s own balance of mind. Maintenance is something that has to be worked on daily. He says he doesn’t have a drinking problem, he has a thinking problem. You really should watch the video. It’s funny but introspective.
I post this almost as an apology for any posts that have been boring because I have crawled into my belly button and categorized my belly lint. I say almost because it is part of the process of what the MI system wants to call “recovery” but really is art of the balancing system that will always be a part of my life. Some days I balance and hide so well that most people take me for “normal”. Then there are days like Tuesday where the doctors came in while my sister and I were sitting with my Mother and gave us the low down on my Mother’s condition. I wasn’t crying. My eyes were drooling. I couldn’t control them. Once I found out what my eyes were doing I squinched them up, looked at my sister who had that open eyed surprised/sad look on her face like she wanted to ask me if I was alright and screeched, “DON’T look at me!”
Before the chest hitches came, before the tears flowed, before the choking wails came I went to the bathroom, splashed my face with water and took some deep breaths.
Oh sh!t. Did Mom just fall upstairs?