The day as it went. I did things. I’m still not really getting sleep. I am happy that I can listen for her groaning and coughing and getting up and going pee. I did two laundries in the afternoon wasting a sunny day but at least I wasn’t required to clean clothes because of the C-Dif. (I hear her choking, should I go? Is it just an extended mutant hiccough? I’m not sure.) They are hung out. They’ll be ready for the morning sun and cleansed by the ultraviolet summer sun. Guess what? It’s officially summer! The equinox just passed us and now the year tools down that fast train track towards cold temperatures and miserable weather. Because to me the year is like a semi-controlled bipolar episode. Up up up the mania hill all the way to the top where you scream “Halleluia! I am god!” and then steams on down down down to the depths of a dark muddled confusion. But inverse in my thinking. I crawl up to meet the depression because it is painful and slow and inevitable then I roll down sunny grassy slopes to shining brightness that sears my eyes with happiness and bliss. Standing aside it looks stupid and like a soap opera, counterfeit and artificial too bright, too dark annoyingly melodramatic. I’m embarrassed for myself.
Today though I am too tired. The kind that comes from hosting a vigil. I have bruises I can’t account for. Sometimes I hear people say things they didn’t say. I’m trying too hard because nothing is coming out right because I’m tired and clumsy and dropping things and not all there. I look at someone and tell them something and have a conversation without moving my lips. I’m overly sensitive. Johnny Cash sings “The Green Green Grass of Home,” and I start to cry. I wish this was over. I don’t wish this was over (I don’t want my Mother to die. I would put up with so much just so she would stay on Earth and just be here.) This is Hell. I think of suicide often now. Before or after? Hidden or plain view? Spontaneously immediate or well planned out? It’s a game to occupy my thoughts for now. It’s okay John. I’m only dancing.
So I don’t know in what order I did things really. I promised and went back on things. I’d go shopping. Nope I have a migraine maybe, maybe it’s allergies. I’ll just take something. I’m artificially understanding to K. “No no, that was okay. I just didn’t see what you did (I did, I just was stunned.) I’d have done that too.” Making excuses so I think I look like I’m lying. Still I am getting some things done. I went out for coffee with K, texted SM to call Mom so I knew she hadn’t died while I was away. (I didn’t tell SM that just that I was “concerned”.) The tourist traffic was stupid so we made our way back home and the break I had hoped both he and I would get never happened and we were both annoyed. Everywhere was busy. The beach, the lighthouse, the Pier, every road out of town crowded and people being stupid and crossing the road without looking and the things people do when they don’t live in a place and think it’s their personal playground. It hit me, the disrespectfulness. Made me tired. So K drove me home with an espresso and I went to my room flopped down on my bed, read 5 pages of The Tower 4 and fell asleep. An hour later I got up to do the laundry. And that circles back right?