I write things in this tiny book I bought at Staples. It’s ridiculous like 3″ by 4″ you wouldn’t even use it for an autograph collector. In a fit of disgust I bought it (okay I admit I bought two.) I have to carry something to write in, I can’t write in my cell phone. It’s a bogus POS that only really texts and calls well.
So I wrote something that was enlightening and phenomenal in this little book of mine that I wish was a Utrecht black covered spiral sketch art book and I found it so I could write this illuminating scrap of knowledge for people to read and admire. Looking at it now I could believe that I’m delusional. It says:
Say Goodbye To Lovers
Goodbye Songs
“How’s It Gonna Be?”

And I know I’m meant to ask anyone who reads this to write down songs that say goodbye to someone they love. The one above is by Third Eye Blind.

So I replied to the person whose article I reblogged yesterday. I forgot/didn’t realize that my own comment meant for this page was posted on the original page. He commented on it. I wasn’t sure if he thought I was being snarky about his article (I wasn’t,) or flippant so I responded and now I’m thinking that was a dumb idea.
Anyway, this song is really how I feel today. If it’s unclear then you got the meaning.
I like David Byrnes’ voice.

Today my siblings came over. Yesterday I lost it and texted my Sister in Law and asked her to call my Mom. I was frightened that she might pass away while I went to coffee with K. I feel like this all the time. If I have to I’ll spend eternity with her to make sure she’s okay.
It’s not easy getting someone in my family to stand up for me. I pay back people who support and protect me even if it’s not as much as I think it should be. Yes I’m dissatisfied. I am also thankful. Those two emotions can coexist and do. Of everyone in this world my Mother is the person I’ve had the longest history with that has been the most beneficial. That’s why I didn’t tell her about the molestation. I don’t want her to feel bad about it. My father on the other hand can suck it. Dead or not he was a coward and a patronizing solipsist. (The demons titter that I’m going to pay for denigrating my father’s character but they’re demons. They know of what I speak.)

So I think the family thought Mom was dying or I was losing it and everyone came (except the sister in laws,) and I was busting @ss. It didn’t bother me like it usually does. I was glad Mom was distracted. E had to go to the bank to get ready for the SERIOUS stuff. I had to go food shopping. I dealt with lunch and J and M but P and O left for Micky Ds. It was a peaceful idyllic summer beach day. The little girls went to the cove and dug for clams and found a spider crab. My brothers talked as they watched their progeny play on the mud flats. My mind will take this day and turn it into Kodachrome moments to cuddle with when I am in pain. Remind myself that I am human and not the monster I feel myself to be. The family I wish I really had. The family we let outsiders see. Today we played the role for ourselves and Mom so we could reinforce that image of familial love. I played it hard. Like it would never happen again because I don’t believe it will. Sometimes the temporary beauty you hang on to is the card that will help you last through a select hell. Every little small thing I see and record in my subconcious. I will need it when she passes. And I hope I’m wrong. I hope to god and the baby jesus that I am being over dramatic. I hope I am being annoying and everything is not as I read it. I don’t mind looking stupid if it means the one person in my life that has put up with me and I’ve never wanted to kill survives until after I’m dead.

I can hope. I allow myself hope. I do.

Here’s the lyrics to the song above you touch monkeys…

Now let me tell you a story
The devil he has a plan
A bag of bones in his pocket
Got anything you want
No dust and no rocks
The whole thing is over
All those beauties in solid motion
All those beauties, gonna swallow you up
Let’s go

Hi hi hi hi hi
Hi hi hi hi hi, hi

One time too many
Too far to go
I, we come to take you home

And when they split those atoms
It’s hotter than the sun
Blood is a special substance
They gonna pray for that man

So wake up young lovers
The whole thing is over
Watch out touch monkeys
All that blood is gonna swallow you whole

Hi hi hi hi hi
Hi hi hi hi hi, hi

What’s that? Who’s driving?
Where we goin’? Who knows?
I, we come to take you home

How many people do you think I am
Pretend I am somebody else
You can pretend I’m and old millionaire
A millionaire washing his hands
Rattle the bones, dreams that stick out
A medical chart on the wall
Soft violence and hands touch your throat
Everyone wants to explode

Now when your hands get dirty
Nobody knows you at all
Don’t have a window to slip out of
Lights on, nobody home

Click click, see you later
Beta beta, no time to rest
Pika pika, risky business
All that blood, will never cover that mess

Hi hi hi hi hi
Hi hi hi hi hi, hi

So soft, hard feelings
No tricks lets go
I, we come to take you home

Hi hi hi hi hi
Hi hi hi hi hi, hi

from http://rock.rapgenius.com/Talking-heads-swamp-lyrics