My brain is in hell. I am trying to decide if my SIL is f^ck!ng with me. I suspect it’s just that I am stressed out and I’ve reached the point break.
Everyday for the past two months, I’ve been psychically holding my breath, If I keep doing this my brain tells me she won’t die. The house won’t be gone. The traditions won’t be shattered. The family won’t break apart. I won’t be set adrift into the unknown.
Tonight I drove down to the Wall. We watched the fireworks in Jamestown over the mouth of the Narragansett Bay. North Kingstown started their fireworks display about 10 minutes later. In another time she would have been power walking to the docks in Jamestown, getting an ice cream with the kids. Tonight she can barely keep herself awake and she groans as she crouches down in her seat. I drive the long way back along Ocean Road where the mansions are all for sale. And in this time everyone, anyone can buy their own fireworks and light them off and do. But the fireworks sold are of poor quality and the displays along the beaches are not well timed nor aimed high.
We cruise like I used to when I was free. But the past has bound me and my safety is threatened everything new looks like black emptiness. It’s not shining excitement like when I was young. I know this well and to jump into something unplanned and alien is not something I can trust and believe I’ll be alright. It scares me that I will become like a child again the one that was hurt and abused.
And inside I am screaming. A child’s tune is playing catching at my brain, harassing me: “Skida-ma-rink a dink-ee-dink skida-ma-rink ee doo.” over and over.
And there will be no help. All the small things will be peripheral out on the edge. The real help I need will not be provided by SAMSHA. Dr Kisch won’t understand any of this, only in the sense that I am in crisis. He has no clue how the machines in my head will respond to the will of fate. They will all be bystanders in this road show.
And now we’re all scr3wed my pets. It’s all monkeys and clowns from here on in. Gather around and protect your giblets. No one will be spared because the piper has to be paid.
A little relief. I miss my iPod.
Yeah, you’re so jolly. You did it on purpose. You like a rise, get some attention makes you feel important. I know you. I met you back in 5th grade. You may not be a little blond haired girl now but I know the intentions. F^ck you.
I envied my Father’s lot in life. His eternal sunshine in his almost spotless mind. I’m sure nature would have erased it eventually if he hadn’t died from aspirating that tuna salad. It wasn’t just the fact that he was losing his mind little by little only retaining the older memories until the oldest ones remained. It was the fact that he had a wife who was loyal to him like his very own clan motto: Pro Rege. And he had me. As much as I despised his selfish and egotistical personality and self entitlement I didn’t see the point in punishing someone brain damaged.