Here’s something inane that I’d rather see than misplaced sympathy

It’s a hopeless situation. Being human though I turned it into a heroic gesture. I had to believe that something would come of death. Now you can argue that there are many lessons that come with the event of a loved one dying. With it so fresh (yesterday night,) and today a celebration day you’d be begging for a knuckle sandwich.

I made special meals, enriched to add something more to her flesh as the tumors consumed her. I stayed by her side ready to fetch or make her comfortable, do her bidding whatever she needed. I’m a lackey any way, too flighty to be able to successfully take care of my own financial issues, daily maintenance enough to have scaled them down to the basics that I can manage. No one knows that I am so debilitated. I look normal and “intelligent” so people assume I am “normal”. I am so clever at hiding my impairment that even my children don’t know of it. It takes all my energy. These past months, if anyone paid attention they’d be able to see the frayed edges of my charade.

I convinced myself that being there for her would make me feel better. Maybe reduce the pain when she was gone? Now I know that it just kept me busy until the time there was nothing more to do. I am alone with my thoughts. It is not an option to share them. I told a friend that she died the day before my birthday (today,) and the reply? “Well you can be happy she didn’t die on your birthday.” For Christ’s sake, really? Who fed you stupid pills? Thanks for warning me ahead of tie to take my Xanax. I expect there will be many well meaning imbeciles ready to make inane remarks like that. What is wrong with people? Or should I just be happy to have friends in my life? I don’t even know how to handle it.

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