The July page is still on the wall. I never changed the calendar. And all the space that she kept out with her plans and her spirit now resides in this house. She had enough life to fill these rooms, even the empty ones I never went in. And C escaped up to his room when I had to use the head. I watched the news, Jeopardy and the Big Bang Theory. They echoed hollowly in the living room. I know she won’t be back. I knew it before she left. That didn’t mean that I’d get a chance to find some way to make life not go flat. All the memories hang on the wall. The cats wander aimlessly, looking for attention; something I can’t give enough to them. Time hasn’t stopped but it sure does feel like it curled up on the vine and died. Speaking of vines; someone picked a bunch of concord grapes like a reminder that tasks will have to be performed. They left them in the strainer and I’ve been skirting them a bad reprimand for my lack of oomph.
I spent every waking moment trying to prepare for this. I know she’d expect me to keep moving on. Keep living, keep trying and I told her that the possibility of major depression striking was high. You don’t lose both parents in one year and just whistle while you work. The crying comes but it’s not satisfying. It just takes what little energy I have and drains it away. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Like advice for a depressive, no one says anything that can help or that is wanted.
Yeah, I know there is a tomorrow. That’s what I don’t look forward to. Time to spend, time to fill with tasks, how to occupy myself so that whatever emptiness that’s been left behind can be pushed to the side and ape life.
The cat sits on my @ss. He takes up more space on a captain chair than any animal has a right to. I think I should go do something. The arm with the poison ivy hurts and the rash spreads. I guess that means that I should get some epsom salts and soak this nasty fleshy swollen mess before it starts to weep. And me with it.
By the way, I know this really is a song between a couple and not between two people who just care about each other because they spent so much time together but I like it and it hurts and it says much of similar feelings I have.