I want to say that that new Bud with lime beer tastes very weird. It’s kind of like Budweiser dropped a touch of lime scented Dawn into the vat. You know that taste you get when the carafe hasn’t really been cleaned? Whatever. I am floating here trying to think of a way to get that taste out of my mouth.

Went to Prov. I didn’t tell you (or did I.) that I went to a Yoga Laughing class.

I can tell that you want something. You didn’t just hand me a beer and puff just because. You want something from me.

You know what? I got nothing to give.

After all that has happened I don’t even give a sh!t. And it’s not because I’m jaded, which I certainly am. It’s not because I can’t cry at another living being being tortured to live through death. It’s not that my past is littered with abuse, pain and severe head f^cks. It’s not because I sense this is the beginning of a very screwed up episode. No I don’t care because I haven’t been down this path before. Just when i’m able to say, “Life. I recognize this direction if not the trail or the landmarks. I am able to handle (or not handle,) what you plan on doling out to me.” I realize that I haven’t been here before.

I’m NOT SCREAMING AT YOU BECAUSE I’M HAVING AN EPISODE! I’M NOT F^CKING WITH YOU! WHAT THE H3LL? CAN’T I BE UPSET AND FREAKING OUT WITH OUT YOU THINKING THAT I AM SLIPPING OVER THE EDGE?

2 deaths and I don’t know what the future holds now. I am close to losing it, trust me this I know. BUT I will warn you when it’s not safe to come near me. I’m not hearing demons but I do smell fire and brimstone. I will find a place to hide and you will know I’m not coming out.

I had a good day today. It was full and I was busy. I’m getting used to you f^cking off and not being here. Sometimes though I am suppose to tell you what is going on. If I can’t speak to you there’s no reason for me to deal with you. And when the sh!t hits the fan, whether it’s my mental health or about the house, I won’t be responsible if you don’t get the memos. How about we grow up? I don’t have time to mess with you or your brain. I wonder how much more of this stupid cr@p is going to happen here.

I went to laugh yoga even though I don’t quite understand it. I laugh like I’ve lost my mind and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me anymore. It’s bizarre because there’s no joke but we all are laughing. Laughing exercises and laughing games. It seems to make no sense so maybe that’s why I can do it. My inhibitions are fried so it doesn’t matter to me that I haven’t a clue whether I’m laughing correct or not. (It’s not as idiotic as this sounds. The goal is to laugh so that the exercise of it and the emotion it generates helps the body to make certain positive chemicals and reduce stress.)

N and I went to an Indian Restaurant that I have been to before. I picked up some citric acid and fennel seeds when we visited their spice store across the street.

Report over.

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