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-Oh my -ISP- Dear!  Thanks so much for sharing hoarding stories, no need to be sorry for that. I enjoy catching up with you and felt bad hearing your Mom’s news. Geez, they both passed on within a “small” time frame. So grateful you have close family to get through challenging moments like dealing with attic!

-I have FOND memories of your parents and their home. Went their house to go fishing on C’s boat. He’s the coolest!

-Then saw C a few years later at S&J’s wedding. Awesome reunion 

-It’s a real treat to hear from you X  I didn’t know you’d seen Mom & Dad’s house. I’m sure you saw them at S&J’s wedding.

-Yes indeedy, that’s the 2 times I encountered them  Quality vs quantity. The way E always talks of them on FB, she worships them!  

-I have such spectacular memories of a lifetime meeting both sets of family at wedding! My bro and sister are so grateful you guys are family! Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people who care about you and want to be in your lives. A listening ear is PRICELESS 

-Your brother and sister were very lovely people. It’s a shame that we all don’t live closer together.

-Rmbr L filled in as groom for J since J missed his own wedding rehearsal???!!!!

-I do! (LOL!) It was a beautiful wedding and everyone there was wonderful!

-Funny you mention being closer. Ages ago checking in with you…your companion friend was in Philly and you still visit with him?

-My friend, H is still in Philly. Things were very busy with me helping Mom with Dad and then taking care of Mom. I didn’t have time for Philly.

-In fact H came down when she heard my Mom was not doing well and stayed for a week. She used to live in NE for a while

-I can’t EVEN imagine stress level for you since you lived with them. Their daily caretaker. Loving daughter is understatement. Not sure to admire or think you are CRAZY!!!

If she was a professional, saying this to someone she knew was Mentally Ill is improper. Thinking she was just acting on a friend basis, I believed she thought we were on similar footing and equal. Through out this “conversation I came to believe that she thought I was beneath her and not deserving of respect. 

-I love my parents dearly but living with them…of course I would do it no doubt full circle of life thing. But it would have been HUGE adjustment. 9pm curfew or “lights out to bed by 10pm” STILL to this day if Mom & I had to live together again.

That timeline clashes for this night owl

-No doubt LOL! Mom had to “learn me”. When I left & had a family I found out I was bipolar. My habits changed over the course of a few years. It was my choice to move in with Mom. When Dad exhibited signs of Dementia he was become a bit dangerous to live with. I was afraid he would hurt Mom.

-But there was a symbiosis between Mom and I. She gave me some jobs doing lab work when I wasn’t doing well and having some episodes before and after moving in. I forced her to talk to me about many unsavory things that happened in the past. My family has a big denial problem. No one wanted to recognize my father’s alcoholism. No one wanted to recognize his abuse issues. Many still won’t talk about it.

-I can’t lie. It makes me sick and unstable. So it WAS a big decision to move back in. I did it for my Mother because she really did try hard to understand my Bipolar disorder.

-It was so difficult. There were times I was sure I was going to leave. When my father got worse and Mom didn’t put him in a nursing home I sent out applications to apartments in Philly.

-Anyway, long story short: this year was a sad horrible and unexpected year.

-I miss my Mother like no other except C who moved to ND.

-Oh my, Dear. Thank you for sharing such intimate harsh realities. I’m sure moving back in had you naturally “revisit” those unsavory moments. You mentioned you were bi polar to me before. Goes to show FB sometimes only see “small bits” of big picture of what happened. Was abuse mental & physical?

-Mental and emotional. As he lost his mind the physical started to play.

-I tend to not tell people my past. Many things freak people out. My childhood was very bad, It wasnt too bad for some of my siblings but for one other it was bad.

-Personally I don’t mind telling the past. I just know when people have heard of some of the things I’ve been through their idea of me changes. Some times not for the good. And my siblings have a different view of what happened in the past. Some of the things that happened to me didn’t happen to them. For a long time I thought they knew of certain things. Now I know that I’m not like my siblings and because of the different way I was treated.

I don’t put one worse than the other, to me it’s all BAD. It’s like molesting/raping. It doesn’t matter if it’s inappropriate touching, sayings, or violent…it is all HORRIBLE in my eyes. I don’t categorize and people deal w stuff diff ways. I understand bi-polar and read extensively of diff types. It’s an invisible disease. People look for broken limbs and that’s “easy” to spot…

Not differentiating between the different types of abuse says to me that she pretty much groups them in together and doesn’t feel they need to be addressed as the different events that they were. It’s a type of belittling, she doesn’t need to hear about them hence she doesn’t need to address them and I shouldn’t bother myself with them. 

She also claims to understand Bipolar Disorder but doesn’t know how to spell it and in subsequent paragraphs doesn’t actually understand the disease and the differences nor the recovery process. She doesn’t understand that a person is not the disease either. It’s an excellent and subtle way to denigrate a person who has a disability. 

-Very true. I’m BP II Hypomanias and deep depressions.

-My past and child issues played a large part in a long term struggle with Depression. For a long time my sister would yell at me that I just wanted attention. I don’t trust her and that will never really change although I would never tell her that.

-Many people took advantage of me as a child. My parents did not protect me or even ask me why I was showing prominent symptoms of depression, They just told me I was lazy.

-In the end I learned to never trust anyone who told me they loved me. Still it has made me very independent. And I do not despair when I am alone. I can amuse myself.

-Bi polar II….I have empathy for you. Your disease has you simultaneously going through hypo/hyper manias at same time!!!! That mixing together has people doing wreck less decisions like riskiy sexual promiscuity, shopaholics, making unsound decisions like getting behind the wheel emotionally unstable causing accidents…yikes!

She may have empathy but it is very unlikely she has empathy for me. This shows that she doesn’t know the differences between the two concepts. That is very poor when it comes to psychology or psychiatry. 

There really is no such thing as a hypermania. Hypomania is just a milder form of mania. There is no going above and beyond manias in an episode. I think by “hypomania” she means depression and by “hypermania” she means regular mania. She also assumes that I make “… wreck less (sic) decisions like riskiy sexual promiscuity, shopaholics, making unsound decisions like getting behind the wheel emotionally unstable causing accidents”. She really doesn’t know much about me in real life. Telling me that I do these things with out asking what my episodes are like and exhibiting such ignorance of Bipolar Disorder is sad considering she’s suppose to know what these illness are and she’s “studied” them.  

-Well, I have worked a long time on myself. I feel worse for Unipolar people. I have friends who have MIs and who are worse off in many more was than I am.

-I’ve been a part of NAMI, NORD, MHRH and some other Mental Illness associations. I’ve had my fair share of time in the Mental hospital

-Last time was 2009.

-I’ve learned a lot about myself. I have been able to educate myself and accumulate some tools to help myself. I went to BU to attend a Mental Illness school for people who wanted to learn about their illnesses.

Yes I know & have had to deal with people with above behavior mentioned! We see it at the office too. We have “group home” patients who have diff levels of disease. Human behavior is natural interest of mine so I always enjoy observing/people watching and reading “into the mind”

At times I wonder who she thinks she’s “dealing” with. And the term “dealing with” is also deprecating. It’s like she’s talking about worms or mold in her house or something. And since she’s accused me of having the “above behaviors” I must not be much different that those “group home” patients. In reality, I am not much different from them. Only in that I have managed to stay out of group homes. Separating us into groups shows the level of discrimination she operates on. Anyone with a mental diagnosis doesn’t have a chance with this woman. I’ve already “lost”. 

I’ve worked on myself and chosen my friends and the people I deal with carefully so my environment is more stable.

-Yes. I go to a “Recovery and Wellness Center” and we deal with group home patients. In fact today I was offered a job being a co-manager with one of the women who operates this place. That’s why I’m trying to sleep at an earlier time lately.

I’m proud of you, you have come such a long way. Even in face of adversity, you went back into firepit knowing flashbacks were there waiting when you moved back w parents. Is it still difficult to live there now they are both gone? Or do you have it in your heart to forgive esp Dad?

Wow, look at that. She’s “proud of me”. Would you ever say that to someone you met once in your life and had as few as 2 conversations a year with because you knew them through a relative’s spouse? If you notice I never said I had flashbacks. Another attribute pinned to me because I have a diagnosis. 

And the assumption that I should forgive my father. This is where I started getting angry. This belief that you have to forgive the people who have hurt you in order to be mentally healthy is popular nowadays. Kind of like the “suicide is a bad thing” belief. People are allowed to bully others into thinking they should be ashamed of themselves because they chose not to do what every idiot in psychology theorizes is good for them. It’s the same with anger and abortion. In the following paragraphs I’ll get a dressing down for not doing what she “rightfully” thinks I should be in the process of doing. I become annoyed and absoute because I really want to ring her @ssh0le bell.

-I never forgive. For me forgiveness requires change and understanding and acknowledgement. Even for my Mother who I loved, she did not fully understand me. The past is the past and I operate on who I can deal with. It is only difficult being here because I feel the absence of my Mother. I turn to laugh at something with her and she will never be able to laugh with me again. I am comforted by the fact that I worked hard to be strong and put up with such massive ignorance and fear and covered secrets. I am settled with my Father’s death because he did not deserve my help and yet I was there anyway. In the end he wasn’t my father anyway. Just a very confused and deluded man who pooped his pants.

-I can not and will not take advantage of a person who is incapable of protecting themselves. Unless they have done me such harm recently that they have earned my rage.

-again, thank you for sharing. I can only IMAGINE your difficulty trusting. I hope to goodness you will entertain this. It doesn’t happen overnight. It tooks YEARS of process. I spent time being angry at people in the past, no rest or resolution in sight. I decided one day I didn’t want to be a prisoner anymore. This person/people consumed my thoughts taking up all the energy space in my mind. I decided I would forgive them bc this would free me like a bird trapped in a cage.

Once I decided to transition this paridym shift in thought…. I could move on. It didn’t happen overnight but eventually it “came”

-Also forgiving them didn’t mean forgetting or wanting to interact again. I did NOTHING for them forgiving them but did it FOR ME this way I’m not a prisoner anymore. Fill my thought w positives and move on in life. I can’t change their behavior/only mine.

So I get a lecture on what is good for me. How boring. Like I’ve never heard this before. And because I asked for it (sarcasm, in case you didn’t know,) She will self righteously tell me about her wonderful mental health transformation through adopting the current psychobabble like she joined a AA group for people who can’t forgive. Remember I didn’t ask to be told how to do this. And I explained my reasons for not seeking to learn how to forgive someone I don’t want to forgive. I guess I should shut up and just take the medicine and be a good little patient. Still I patiently reply with a courteous response. And throw back the “sharing” term even though I feel that her POV has been forced on me and I lay lacking in her judgement. She must feel so superior right now. 

-I respect your growing and your decision. I also thank you for sharing your personal story with me. Don’t think that I am a woman blinded by anger. Sometimes anger can rescue a person. It was one of the earlier tools that helped me out of horrible depression. 

There are certain people who never deserve forgiveness. It is not a bad thing for me to not forgive the man who sexually abused my son and was never punished. The connections that webbed through my life and past make sense. nd the anger reminds me why I do not kill myself. Because of the serious depression I harbor suicidal thoughts about 80% of my days. Maybe more. I look forward to death and the escape from a life that was built on a dark path that I did not choose. I understand the play between darkness and light. I understand the need for struggle. I do not like it. It fills my mind with too many thoughts. And the breadth of this disease has convoluted any peace I am able to obtain.

-I think that I should not continue. It’s not good for me to travel down a dark road. I have a hard time finding my way back, 

-Please know that I am happy for you. BTW do you have a mental illness?

Oh my Dear….I’m not claiming to be an expert on life but I would venture to say a combo of your disease is talking along with your personality, outlook on life. It’s not any one thing. A combo. Suicidal thoughts are very present/ real to you. Statistics show guys follow thru w suicide since their methods are more intense, violent, quick. Females tend to “cry out” w overdosing drugs, slitting wrists

Oh look, she’s calling me Dear! Isn’t that sweet? What a way to put me in my place. AND NOT ONLY DOES SHE BELITTLE ME WITH A FAMILIAR AND TRIVIALIZED ADDRESS, she tells me my that my opinion is just a an element of my disease! I really wonder what she thinks she’s saying. And in addition to telling e that what I have to say is invalid she adds on some half @ssed bogus statistics and implies that I was crying out when I tried to commit suicide. What a total douche bag. At this point I’m steaming and want to throttle her. 

-No, thank goodness mine are just temporary life blues like when my Dad passed  He was one of most influential person in my life. I am so grateful he sacrificed so much for us kiddies  I miss him dearly and if someone asked me one wish. Not lottery, it would be to have one LAST live conversation w Daddy

-Thank you X. I don’t “cry out”. I attempted suicide once and only once. I didn’t succeed because I was young and ignorant and didn’t have the right tools. I am not asking you to feel for me. I am merely explaining myself to you. I have been suicidal since I was 10. In fact I know better than to “attempt” suicide. An ex of mine tried to commit suicide and ended up alive with a hole through the back of his head. Because of it he became a hopeless junkie. He had only half his teeth and he didn’t believe I loved him.

I hv deal countless times w people in your shoes so I wanted to “understand their world” so would research it to know how to deal with it especially on professional level for the office

-And “understand” is stated for lack of better terms bc have’nt walked their shoes but understand meaning knowing the disease how it affects people, what are signs, etc You get drift….

So now I have become one of THOSE PEOPLE that must be dealt with. See she has even researched our world! And she has gone so far as to “learn” it so she can deal with people like me in her office “professionally”. Then she wants me to agree with her poor terms and her b^llsh!t interpretations of what Bipolar Disorder is. 

-Not to be mean but you could never know my world. Just as I could not know yours. We are all on our own paths. If I explained in intricate detail what it was like in my head you would most likely try to tell me it was only in my head. For you that would be true.

-Thx for sharing about your BF. trust me I hv heard some CRAZY things and when ppl tell me, I listen. That’s what people need sometimes even me listening ear is priceless!

I didn’t see much listening here. She thinks she knows what Bipolar and Mental Illness is. She’s judgmental and willing to tell me what I should be doing and thinking. This person isn’t someone I’d want as a friend, never mind a professional “dealing” with me. How sad and disappointing. 

-And as for understanding the disease, the psychiatrists can not explain it. In fact they keep changing the DSMV because their understanding is only seen through their own glasses and not the glasses of the mentally ill.

-It is true, people do need a listening ear 

-EXACTLY you hit hammer w nail. You would not understand my path, what I have been through in life, hardship/triumphs. You have not walked in my shoes and vice versa. Nothing to be mean at all about. That’s life.

-Maybe the mentally ill should be writing the textbooks and journal studies!  Yes indeedy, like other diseases there’s much to learn. Like pancreatic cancer. People used to drop off like flies contracting it bc they didn’t know causes, etc. Nowadays there are more options.

-I think the mentally ill should have their say taken seriously instead of having to deal with the stigma that society has burdened us with. Until humans realize that everyone has their issues and good intentions do not replace good care and funding for important research people will keep suffering needlessly.

-We’ll chat soon again. 6:45 wake up time for work. Thank goodness it’s my “Fri” and 3 day wkend ahead. Work hard, play hard! Gnight

Hey you notice she abruptly cuts off the conversation when I don’t join her in the “joke” that people with Mentally Illnesses could possibly write textbooks and Journal Studies (someone tell Mary Ellen Copeland.) 

-But then wars and fighting would not be so glorified and given funds and real help would be the order of the day IMHO. Oh well. Until then fear and ignorance will be common.

-‘Night X  hope you get some restful sleep!

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T WANT TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIAGNOSIS ARE EQUAL TO YOU.

Tom Petty – You Don’t Know How It Feels

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