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So I may have a job. I wasn’t looking for one. It makes my life complicated mostly in my head. Worrying that I’m not good enough. Trying o improve myself. Keeping on the ball about dealing with other people. I think I was born to be a misanthrope.

They want me to be manager here at the Wellness and Recovery Center. That’ a laugh because I can barely manage my life. So what I did, so that I don’t fall into a depression because I turn out to fail is this: I told them that I would work on a temporary basis. I would “learn the ropes” for free. That means not be paid until after I was taught at least the basics of what the job was. Then ease my way into it. That meaning I would co-manage the place with the person who is doing it now. She doesn’t want to manage. She’s the Art Director, she started working there as one but as things happened (and usually happen in a low pay job,) people moved on and someone else slid unintentionally into the job just until someone else was able to pick it up.

So I’m online trying to research women’s issues because I am to head a group. I chose women’s issues because I didn’t want to host a current issues group. It’s going to be hard enough addressing women’s issues in a place like this. Maybe not, we’ll see.

Only 3 days a week, I figured it may be manageable. The woman who was “doing” the job (and I put that in quotations because she’s been in and out of the hospital this year and seems to not be doing too well in her wellness,) just got back from the mental Hospital again. I don’t savor the thought of her confronting me with a “ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY JOB!?!” like she did when I joined OASIS initially. I like her well enough. She’s a good person. She just seems to have many issues to deal with.

On the home front I am sometimes clear as to how my position here is fixed. Then I feel like my position as a resident in the house is very unstable and I begin to panic. I don’t know what is going on. Am I entering/inside an episode or am I just unfamiliar with with how this staying at the house works. Will I be paying rent? Am I suppose to do certain things beyond buying my food and dealing with my laundry? Am I responsible for keeping the house insulated? We haven’t had a family meeting yet and my sister has talked to me about funds from the estate. Still I don’t really understand what is going to happen when Probate has settled everything. And when I think about it my mind becomes cloudy knowing that it was her death that brought this about. Yes she wanted us to benefit. My soul though still empty yearns for her and the benefits are an insult to her absence. It clouds my head.