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I’m not lonely. I am alone.

The family came over to decorate a tree, decorate cookies and spend the afternoon remember Mom (and dad,) the way they’d have wanted. I didn’t remember Dad because usually he was a bitchy lummox that sat in his chair yelling at people to shut up as he drank the night away. He wouldn’t help out and he was pissy at best. F^ck him.

I watched Chopped and missed one episode as I passed out in my father’s La-Z-Boy. Skipper forgave me for wrestling him into his vet crate yesterday gracelessly pinning his forelegs to his body as his toes strained to keep him out of the plastic box. I started to laugh which really made him freak out and because my left arm can not be covered I was left with slits and tears that only cat claws can render to flesh. I ended that episode swearing. The other two cats weren’t so tenacious. A head lock can work wonders sometimes.

I’m not sure if this is part of the episode or just a consolation prize for the year to myself but I ordered an expensive perfume (okay, expensive for me,) online. It’s one that isn’t being manufactured any more so I’m praying that a bottle of weasel piss won’t be showing up in my mail box. Part of the excitement my friend: wonderful satisfaction or serious downer? You pay to play.

So a friend got in touch with me the day before Thanksgiving. I think I already wrote a bit about that. So far I am doing a good job of making my needs clear. And I’m not trying to please her so she’ll like me. So sad that my default is to go to that place. I slept over her house last weekend.  I lasted the night but got freaked out with anxiety and called my son to pick me up ASAP. I did it without looking too desperate though, I hope. I hope I hope. Whatever. Learning to let go of things isn’t easy. Letting other people’s idea of what I need to do in life be my guide was making life miserable for me. I still get shocked by it though. Hearing that my brothers didn’t think I deserve to get what my Mother gave to me disheartened me and I questioned my own self worth. It was a bit easier to bust through what I felt was a personal attack on my self worth after reviewing the years spent here dealing with my father and being here for my Mother. I don’t have hard feelings about their opinions. I guess I just think that they are and were really out of the loop when it came to the reality of all the stress, effort and pain that I went through to help my parents out. And one of those parents being a person I didn’t really like and who abused me. I can say this blithely now: materials goods and gifts come and go but being able to see and experience the good in one’s life requires effort and comes with better experiences (and knowing horrible ones are out there.) You see I’m sledding. Today I am cruising on real happiness. Not that excitability that I get when the hypomania puts a choke hold on me and I get light headed. The days event went well and I didn’t swear and I partook in the work and I helped my sister clean the house. I did everything I thought I should do and wasn’t disappointed.

Look at me all going with the zen.

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