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You’ve been duly warned.

I’m nauseous but promise myself I will write this post even though I can’t stand myself right now. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow morning. I really want to avoid it. I am going to try my hardest to go in and see this horror through. The post before this is why I don’t want to go in. So read that if you ant details.My sleep has been haphazard and spotty. I fell asleep in the recliner and awoke with all the cats on me 4 hours later cramped and stuffed head pounding. Last night I made it to bed at 2 am but didn’t get up until my sister called me for the second time to ask if I was up. 11:30 I think and it’s been worse. I was suppose to get out of the house but never even made it to the car. I did sort through paperwork so I could submit my SNAP papers to the HRD so my phone interview could be completed. I found everything I submitted but think I need to get the photocopied form they originally sent me. Papers, papers everywhere and my head can’t see them, my brain can’t keep track.

I’m trying hard to hide that from people even though I desperately want them to know. I don’t want sympathy, I just need some help sorting through this maze of words and ideas and paper. It’s cruel to send me this sh!t right now in the middle of a field of snow and cloudy skies. I am proud that I am kind of keeping up with the dishes. In these days of muddling I have to grab at anything that says I am not a total loser (yet).

It’s a cold hard fact that age is an ugly thing. Semi-hippiesh Pauly Shore has a prostate problem his documentary reveals. (Pauly Shore Stands Alone 2014) He looks like a bear slept on his face when he gets up in the morning. He’s taking care of his Mother who has Parkinson’s Disease in the movie (you don’t see her, he’s on the road and doesn’t call her anymore but organizes what’s going on via telephone.) He has a hard time getting laid, no groupies are at his back and call. (That might not be an age thing but a career burn-out that never left him.) But his life really isn’t that bad considering. He can afford to pay for hotel rooms and in almost every town he hits the audience packs the room.

He doesn’t realize the shlempy life I lead nor you. He probably thinks he has it bad. I understand he can’t possibly know what I’m going through. Except for when his Mom dies. he’ll understand the dreams I have. Maybe.

So I wandered off on a tangent. I’ll stop here because this is a good place to stop.