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That’s the question. I watched a Sandra Bullock movie called 28 Days which is unusual for me since most of her movies are Rom Coms and those types of movies make my blind passion to punch people in the face rear it’s head. This wasn’t a Rom Com but one of those old “Realistic Rehab” movies like Clean & Sober where you see the recalcitrant drunk, druggie, addict, whatever, enter into a rehab and change their way of thinking. In most Rehabs this rarely happens. A real Rehab movie would be like a real domestic violence movie where the client goes in again and again and you see how freaking long it takes a person to really get it, that they can’t move forward until they realize that they don’t like the life and would rather give up everything so that they can try to maintain a life without either drug or abusive love interest.

In real life that rarely happens as I’ve said. People seem to think that they can cheat by thinking that they’re special and the rules of life don’t apply to them. No, you are not a unique snowflake; gravity has your ass glued to the ground just like everyone else.

I digress even though I didn’t start out on topic. Right now is the time that I really need help. The problem is is that I don’t trust anyone. Will I fail if I trust someone who will misuse the info I give them? Or will it count in the steps it takes toward growing and getting stronger and getting back on course (if I ever was.)

I have no friends. Those @ssholes can’t wait to give me glib phrases that are designed to shut me up so I don’t ask them challenging questions. At least that’s how I see it. I know they want me to follow the program and do what everyone seems to think it’s natural to do. Smile, eat, wash, work, busy self with worthless entertainment, chant BS that shows how wonderful life is according to your higher power, kiss the baby, give money to charity, listen to everyone else’s lies, smile, go to bed, rinse, repeat. I want to scream. It’s no wonder I can’t really ask for help. Everyone is so busy keeping the status quo up to date buried with their heads in their arse holes that they can’t see they’re wasting time on the commercial black hole. It’s easier to focus on that than it is to see the ship is going down.

Yes I’m well aware that I sound like a conspiracy theorist. I know I’m boring and no one will listen anyway.

See that’s my problem. I don’t want to zonk my overloaded brain with prescribed drugs to phase out what’s going on. I also don’t want to join the crowds of consumers eagerly scoffing up commercialized pap. I also don’t want to proselytize the masses who don’t care a jot that the earth is degrading and we’re at the heart of the rot.

Am I thinking straight? Am I really seeing the crowds of foul fools surrounding me in what is suppose to be friendly faces? Is it time to hit the hospital? Because I really feel like I’m about to blow up.

Where do I go for help from here?

Is it ironic that at the Recovery Center we play “Bananagrams”?

I can’t stop telling the truth. Jupiter Ascending sucked. I don’t want to leave the house and waste my gas to go see you. You annoy me and I think you’re passive aggressive. I see things in the house that don’t scare me anymore but I don’t think are real. I’m so angry I’m avoiding talking to people as much as possible. Drive thru prescriptions, fast food drive thrus, I call your phone when I know you won’t pick up so I can leave a message, I’ll text, take out, I even cook just to avoid dealing with people. Dad’s hand came out of the living room and tried to grab my dinner plate out of my hand.

This video “I Love It” is how my head feels. Like I got two annoying teeny boppers locked in my head driving me to distraction as they sing poppy dance songs that repeat themselves. Okay. I have reached the end of being able to listen to myself type anymore.