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This may sound very self centered and egotistical…

There have been instances in my life where I’ve done things that were puzzling to family or friends.

My family visited one of my Mom’s scientist friends (who now works for the Smithsonian,) at his family’s farm. His wife owned horses and at the time they also had some geese (they operated as guard dogs,) and a couple of beef cows. Nothing serious, my Mother referred to it as a Gentleman’s Farm. We were visiting for a short time as we were going to Pennsylvania to bring my sister to a University that was the gathering site of an Honor’s Choral Trip to Europe. I don’t remember how old I was but I couldn’t have been in my teens yet.

My mind, I’ve described it to my sister as a trivia dumpster. Things that catch my attention flutter down through my consciousness to the floor of my subconscious and wait for me to find them and either fit them into something else that has caught my attention elsewhere, otherwhere or a boring point where my brain needs some inspiration or something to amuse itself. My Mom’s friend had 3 daughters who were older than our tribe. The daughter’s room my sister and I stayed in had hippie rugs and blankets and albums of music we didn’t know of at the time like Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd and Grateful Dead. A particular poster was on the wall that caught my attention and I went over, sat beneath it and stared at it. I went into a fugue and the colors flickered and changed and the image moved for me.

It said: “Stoned Agin”

Later in life I’d see “I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… No problem!” And it looked familiar and it felt comforting because of the association that my subconscious had with it’s meaning. It didn’t share that connection with my consciousness though.

After settling in a bit Mom and I took a stroll around the fields. They were mostly empty since other horses wren’t being boarded there yet. Still we saw a few cows in the field. My right eye was very sharp and I spotted one cow with China Eyes. I told Mom and she asked me what they were. Basically an animal or person with white cloudy eyes has China Eyes I told her. The poor thing should get them looked at. The next day when we left I annoyed my Mother by asking her if she pointed them out to her friend. That was when she explained that it was a Gentleman’s Farm and the animals were there in not such a serious way as a working farm.

About a month later, long after the sting of dismissal, my Mother told me that she had called her friend. She said that his wife took the cow in after examining it on my advice. It was going blind and the doctor removed a cataract from each eye. She said the cow was healing up.

It’s a small story. I have a few scattered throughout my life. It doesn’t mean anything to anyone but me. There are these stories I keep clutched in my sweaty dust encrusted hands. They tell me there is something there. All the people lied. I’m not a worthless piece of sh!t.

Oh yes, yes, everyone has these stories. Everyone holds on to these memories. You’re not special you don’t deserve attention. Those words crush children’s souls and are the beginnings of toxic peer pressure and the false beliefs that others put into kid’s minds so that kids will behave. And by behave I mean shut up, stop bothering other people because they need to learn they’re not special nor are they worth an adult’s or any other person’s time. The child needs to act like a little bean bag.

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