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I’m sitting on the internet making pretend that I can go out and do something. I desperately want to right now it’s bright and sunny, a promising day for chewing gum commercial happiness. I know better. Thursday’s GP visit reminds me that I am not ready to expose myself to the public and possible mental breakdown.

And was it something they like to say is a self fulfilling prophecy? I felt the build up (no you didn’t you MADE the build up by thinking it was coming on,) saw the signs and omens, (no you didn’t they came because you CALLED them up by seeing the build up coming,) stumbled over the episode’s symptoms, (of course you did, those symptoms came from all the build up and signs you imagined,) lost track of time, (that’s obvious you’re so busy creating the chaos that time becomes irrelevant,) and am now bobbing in the toxic stew that is the first major episode that I’ve experienced since the late 2000s.

I’m looking at the Avenger’s movie and the Mad Max movie. I really want to see them. I even called my brother last week when I found out the Mad Max movie came out on Friday. It’s a sad hope that I’ll go. I can’t stand to think of the tears, the useless meaningless tears that will drip down the slopes of my eyes lately, coming out while anyone can see me. Usually if I can make it into the movie it won’t matter. No one cares when it’s dark and everyone else is busy watching a movie. I don’t sob so there’s little to clue the other watchers in.
That was Sunday. My sister came over. I can tell that I alarm her. I wish I was a ghost so I could melt into the woodwork so she wouldn’t expect me. It’s Monday night now and I did nothing. Oh let me correct myself: I washed the dishes (actually that is a point in my favor,) called Elz and apologized for not calling yesterday and actually was honest and admitted that I cried all day. That’s what I did today. All day. My brain told me Mom won’t be home this Christmas. And it went down from there. I looked at the elliptical machine and cried. I can’t get my fat @ss on it. Again it was sunny out, I cried: I’m wasting my time living and breathing; I can’t bring myself to take a small walk outside. I did drag myself outside for the mail and to bring in the recycling buckets and the garbage cans. So I’m almost coming up even when it comes to haves and have nots. I made a packaged (Sun Bird,) General Tsao’s Chicken with a rice/grain blend. And this means I haven’t hit rock bottom. Is that good? Is that bad? I just know that my sanity veers away from the things my brain is telling me. I’m applying another diet change though. I’m using Stevia instead of my beloved pink chemical. The Stevia makes everything taste like it was made with a scraping from the algae from on top of a stream’s rocks. It’s been the little things all over. Pick up a few dirty clothes and hurl them into the hamper. Toss my bed sheets over my mattress and tug the blankets up. I almost made the bed. I am scooping the cats’ litter every night. 3 cats makes for a LOT of feces. So it pays to keep doing that until I can’t possibly see straight.
These are things I’ve done. It doesn’t describe the hell I’ve been through.