Still in the chaos of an episode. I upset people. Everything is in my face. Oh so important, everything is important it gives me instant headaches the anxiety climbs so high. I feel like I will die. I want to die. I want out now. When people to talk to me I examine it over and over. What did they mean. No really WHAT DID THEY MEAN? There is an underlying sneer to everyones’ content, these conversations are revelations the codes that tell me what is really going on in their heads. None of these people really like me. They all want something, ulterior motives drive them to find me otherwise they’re not here for me. I don’t care, I don’t despair that truly they don’t care. I just don’t appreciate the energy they suck from me.
Every day my body is weary like hands have shaken me back and forth all night then dropped me from a height. My head is wrapped in grey cotton and ashes dribble around me as I walk with no energy. I sometimes crawl defeated back into bed. The only comfort the day will bring because even a kind word makes me sob. The tears, people say they’re therapeutic and they lie. Those tears professing my weakness and pathetic as a human draw energy that I don’t have to spare. I am too tired to do my laundry, my shopping sometimes I forget my body. The pain raises me to a new level. My body and mind are bound in the rope of pain. I walk like a fashion model with hemorrhoids, stiff and slow almost ballet in slo mo.
Both of my parents gone. I’m late in grieving. It feels like my foundations (although flawed and fucked up,) are gone and I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. I think that’s all I can write right now. I can only dwell on so much until I force my brain to shut down.