I quit my job which was the first step towards getting my health back. It’s no tragedy. I still go back to OASIS I just don’t have any responsibilities there now. I am depressed but I expected that (yeah I hoped it wouldn’t happen but knew the chances of it returning were great.) I may have a line on a “job” with NAMI (I’m assuming it’s nonpaying, NAMI is in a bad way in this state and they recently fired EVERYONE this month and are trying to regroup.) I trust no one which is a sign that an episode is returning. And I feel like I’m moving through sap.

There are some good things like this compendium of recipes and cooking/household a friend from OASIS lent me. I use that term very loosely, friend. I don’t believe that there really are any people that I can call true friends. It seems that everyone jockeys to see what they can get me to do for them. E told me I needed to call her on the phone and talk more often. In my usual pleasing way I agreed. Afterwards I pondered it and questioned why I would call her anymore than I would call my best friends which is at most once a month. I’m not here to please you f^ck!ng people. It’s no wonder I resent most the people in my life. I wonder if it’s a communication problem; are people not cognizant of their words and how they use them? Is it just that I attract people who are ego centric and only think of their own needs? Not sure. Don’t care. Get away from me.

I hate talking on the phone, preferring to text. Texting captures what’s been said and people can’t tell me they wrote me something they didn’t. Plus it helps if I forget details which I do in the stress of keeping up a pleasant tone of voice as I select appropriate chit chat gems. I’m usually negative (I guess you haven’t figured that out now,) and presenting myself as an agreeable unit taxes me and hurts my face. I have to smile while I fabricate or the tone doesn’t match. Ugh.

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