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Nine Inch Nails – Down In It

Sometimes dealing with an episode whether it be hypomanic or depressive is like falling through a jungle canopy. Layers of changing growth, messy exotic but familiar in it’s vegetative existence pass by and the horror of falling or rising is increased by speed and the fear that it may end immediately with an implosion or explosion. You can ask the creatures for help but they’ll only gibber or stare while you pass by. They have no clue what you’re asking for and you have no language to ask for the help you need.

I am sitting at the office window in the house. The sickening smell of many lilies engorges the house. Although a thunderstorm has cleared the recent heavy humidity I can’t sleep for the smell of these flowers flowing through the house like a thick fat tide. My Mother planted these flowers. She loved lilies even for their sickly sweet smell. She felt the same about hydrangeas but they did not survive long in the yard’s soil. The lilies, their smells are reminiscent of funerals and are a haunting reminder that Mom will not be back again to enjoy the fruits of her labors.

I have not reached the bottom (or top,) of this fall (or ascent.) I do see the trips. I do see the cruel hiccups in my behavior. The torture is knowing short of isolating myself I can’t change them. At times my trapped psyche whirls around within me and screams “Please stop! Stop now!” It has no effect on my automated pace through the days. At night I stay awake trying to soothe it as it lists my sins for the day. It screams and cries as I numbly do all that I can do to help it calm down. There is no connection and that tragedy distracts me from eating, sleeping, remembering the things I usually do that comes easily. I haven’t shopped in 4 weeks. My pantry is become slowly empty as is my freezer. What’s going to knock me out of this spiral of h3ll? Only time will tell. And then I will blank out making it impossible to plan for another inevitable episode. That’s why I write this blog. Can it help me help myself?

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