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BUSH : Machinehead

I am close to shutting down. There’s only so much enlightenment one can take.

So I’m looking for “new” friends, I figure I have to get out of my old head, old life and try to find people who may be healthier for me. I am very annoyed at acting the second child, side kick, what-ever-you-say-George buddy who shoves my anger down when my friend appropriates my ideas. Or treats me like my opinions don’t mean anything. Or acts like I should blindly follow them. Fuck you, I already lived and dealt with an @sshole like that for years. That’s part of why I’m such a mess. And I still have to deal with her. And she’s still as senseless about her annoying demanding attitude and self-righteous power assumptions as she was when she was a kid. I’m not befriending another overbearing turd so I can bounce between them like a shrunken beach ball.

I know I am no prize as far as personal faults come into play but why make my life misery? Why not change it now that I know some of the awful elements that helped my self esteem shrink?

It has been incredibly difficult getting to this point. Usually when someone treats me the shoddy way I was treated in the past and I realize it my mind blanks out. I black out and the memory of what to look for never gets developed because my mind goes into a closet and entombs itself in fear and pain. When it crawls out I have no memory of what happened. And it’s like I’ve been brainwashed. It took me years to realize what was going on. It hasn’t stopped. I just have gotten better at keeping scraps of the flashbacks in another part of my brain while my present brain goes into shock. After my brain comes out of it’s isolation womb the other part of my brain takes out the slip of memory and whatever else it was able to glean from the current event and put together what happened in the past, who did it to me and how it triggered the current freezeout in my head.

I’ve never told a therapist or psych professional because I know that if the f^cktards from my past could damage my brain like that I should never allow a professional to muck about in my scars. A medical doctor has more chance healing physical damage, you can actually see it and there are machines to help those kinds of professionals do that. Psychiatrists are much less likely to help and are much more likely to continue damaging the patient. They work more on theories than actual observation or somatic effects.

Speaking of professional psychs, I have encountered many peers who are sold heart and soul into the belief that their Psychiatrists can do no wrong and think they shouldn’t question them. These people usually have a sh!tload of medications. Medications on medications: a pill to deal with the voices, a pill to deal with the side affects that come with that pill, a pill that counteracts the affects of the pill that is taken to deal with side affects, and so on and so forth. One friend almost brags that she takes 9 pills in the morning and 20 pills at night. Mentally chemically castrated, they don’t sleep well, they are dopey all day, they barely do anything. In fact the braggart has metal crap in her head, implanted that doesn’t work but because her Psych suggested it she went and had an operation to have it installed. Of course she’s had ECT done in the past. Many many times. It’s horrifying, she’s a medical experiment.