So the wife sometimes gripes at me for not getting rid of some of my old surfboards. She is right they are beat up and probably no longer float. I just can not do it. Anyhow the kids and I took one of my old beat up 5’6″ boards and went sledding with it. Work great. Maybe I will take big red sledding 9′ 5″ PEACE!!!
A little insight for the kids- i been drawing this poster for a month now. Not sure were i am going. This happens quite a bit , I just keep drawing till I say ” hey thats pretty” or someone says we need it now. I am at the point of were is it at. I have no fucking clue. This is what I do all day. Also fell asleep in the middle of the kitchen floor for an hour.
So during lunch I was eating a salad and the wife was talking to me while preparing the kids lunch. All of a sudden a piece of cucumber got stuck in my throat. So I start chocking, basically chocking to death. Well the wife keeps talking never looking up. I am coughing out HELP, HELP. She keeps rambling on. I realize I am going to die if I do not take matters into my own hands. So I give myself the heimlich maneuver. Finally dislodge the cucumber. Look up and the wife looking at me like I am an asshole an says ” What is your problem?”
December 30, 2014
made me think of some wisdom Chris Popoloski gave me.
Me- ” Pop how is it some bands sound great and others like shit?”
Pop – ” Kid 2 things for any band to sound great. 1. Give respect to the sound guy. 2. Tip the sound guy. Do these two simple things you will sound great. Decide not to, I do not care who you are, I can make Mozart sound like shit.”
So the wife said lets go to the Lasalette lights in Attleboro. Packed the kids up, drove 45 minutes, stuck in traffic. In the middle of all these x-mas lights, people, religion, kids running around, cold as hell and a lot of x-mas spirit. Turned looked into my wife eyes and said ” I do not think, I can hate you more then I do rate now.”
MAN I HAVE THE X-MAS SPIRIT.
5 year old watching the Macy’s Day parade in the other room. Yells out to me. ” Daddy come here quick it is the band from Chuck E Cheese!”
Me ” No thats KISS.”
5 yr old ” No your wrong dad, thats the Chuck E Cheese Band.”
me- ” what the hell Chuck E Chesse you going to?”
Just finished peeling and chopping up two bags of potatoes. Why? Out of the goodness of my heart? Love? HELL NO!!! So latter on today when the wife approaches me and nags ” All you been doing is lying on the couch, drinking beer and watching football.”
I can reply in good conscience “Shut your pie hole woman, I chopped and peeled those two bags of potatoes. Now get me another beer and get out of the way the 2nd half coming on”
Love you got to work at it kids.
Conversation with the wife.
Me- ” How long have we been together?”
Wife ” 18 years”
Me- ” Really!!!”
Wife- ” Yes 18 years”
Me – ” Goddamn I need some strange”
So my wife and 5 yr old talk in their sleep. Rate now they are having a talk in your sleep conversation. My wife is going on about something about work, sounds like she is trying to explain something to one of her students. THen she stops and my 5yr old responds with something about dogs, mac and cheese and Mickey Mouse . Then she stops and my wife rambles on. Weird shit been going on for the last 10 minutes. Weirdos
SO tonight at my wife church they had a event call Trunk or Treat. Basically you go there in your car, sit in the back of your car and hand out candy. First time for us. We get there, all these cars are done up halloween decorations, really cool looking. We had nothing, just creepy old me sitting in the back of my van handing out candy. So these two kids come up.
Kids ” What is your van theme?”
Me ” You know that guy in the van your parents said do not take candy from? Thats me.”
Had Cops on the boob tube today while I work. Cop conversation of the day.
Cop ” So who did the shooting?”
Girl ” Lefty”
Cop “How do you know Lefty and what is his real name?”
Girl ” He is my boyfriend of 2 years, I do not know his real name”
Tonight took the family to Johnston for a gig for the oldest. Was tired after I dropped them off. Crawled into the trunk and fell asleep for an hour. Best sleep I had in a year. Best sleep i ever had was in the trunks of cars, a hit mans wet dream.
Conversation with a 5 yr old Firer safety.
me – What do you do if smoke is coming under the door?
5 yr old – ” First I touch the door see if it is hot”
Me – ” If it is hot what do you do?”
5 yr old – ” Go out the window”
5 yr old – ” What do I do if my beds on firer?”
Me- ” get out of your room and out of the house”
5 yr old ” What if the whole house is on firer?”
Me- ” That means your mother is cooking.”
They say you learn something new everyday. I learned the Kangaroos have three vaginas. My porn searches are getting really creepy
Conversation with a 5 yr old. Takes place in the grocery store bathroom.
5 yr old always needs to use public bathrooms. One of my biggest phobia is a public bathrooms. After putting a shit load of toilet paper in the seat, looked like a pillow. Kid closed the door does her business. As usual now I got to go. So I use the urinal. I usual am done before her, not this time.
5yr old “Dad how can you pee standing up?”
Me ” I have different equipment”
5 yr old “what does it look like?”
Me thinking oh shit ” A finger”
5 yr old ” how do you pee out a finger.”
Me “it has a hole in it ”
5 yr old “Is it as big as a finger?”
Me ” Sadly no”
5 yr old “Has mommy seen it?
Me ” Not since we had kids”
60 minutes had a story about studying dog’s brain waives and their overall intelligence. The finds so far, say dogs intelligence are equal to a 2 to 3 year old human. Also dogs understand adjectives and verbs. Then it hit me, I do not understand adjectives and verbs. DAMN now another species is smarter then me. Shits going south for the kid
On this week episode of The Adventures Of Pete, Pete prints a poster for Polaris. Will it line up and everyone will be able to pay rent. Or will he snap and the kids will learn some new colorful words and the OH so favorite ” Why the hell do I do this for a living, I should have been a garbage man” Rant. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion at the Met Tomorrow night.
I am childish, everytime I have baseball on and the guy say “he took him deep” I giggle
So my wife who has her masters in special education ” I am very proud of her, she is like the asian version of my mom.” Anyhow when she was in school I was her case study. I told her to talk to my mom, she has all the paper work on doctors and specialist I went to see as a kid. But being the ball buster I am I had to fuck with with her. So I told her ” One thing, do not mention the electric shock therapy. My mom always felt bad about that.”
My wife replied” Really Electric shock Therapy? How awful.”
I replied ” Well thats what they did back then. They thought they could fry the stupid out of me.”
So my wife meets with my mother. Now you got to remember she was not my wife at the time and it was early in are relationship. As my wife is sitting with my mother giving all this info, Selena not being one to hold back had to ask ” What about the electric shock Therapy?”
Mom replied ” What ?”
Selena said ” Pete Told me he had electric shock Therapy!!!”
Mom replied ” What an asshole, do not listen to that fool, whats wrong with him!!!”
Funny I was asked to be interviewed for a case study about growing up with dyslexia. Not sure what I am going to be asked but a funny story pop into my head about my mom. When I went to college you had to take a english placement test. So my mom comes up to me and says ” Listen I do not think your going to do well, but do yourself a favor and do not do well. Then they will place you in a class that will not be a pain in the ass for you.”
So following moms direction a did awful. Did so bad I was placed in a class for students who english was their second language. Teacher even asked, “Are you sure you are suppose to be in this class?”
By the way I got B in that class.
Working and as usual I have the boob tube on. This comercial comes on for U2 new album. Then POP’s voice enters my head. He once told me “KID U2 sucks, worse fucking rhythm section ever. Fucking horrible!!” Guy still making me laugh.