This entry is going to probably take time to load. It’s video heavy.
So I’m posed between sliding down the Razor Blade Slide or jumping off the ladder at it’s apex. Either way I’m looking for a hurtin for certain.
Violent Femmes | Blister in the Sun
Here’s an incomplete playlist for these moments of pure Hell that feel like epiphanies. The clip where Cusak’s character fires his therapist is a favorite of mine. I think that in the future they should develop a reality machine that forces the psychiatrist, therapist, social worker and all those head pieces to experience the soul dangling moments when a person with MI starts to lose their sane. Only then should they get paid.
Pixies :: Where Is My Mind
The ethereal LOUDquietLOUD style of Pixies is the soundtrack of 2 am where I sit in bed and try to sleep but my mind says “F^CK YOU @SSHOLE.” And takes me on a wishful thinking ride into insomnia. That reminds me to take my iPod to bed.
Creep – Radiohead
For me this song only represents adolescence before I realized that my soul was infected by this warped reality. I’m too old to need another person to understand what I’m going through and relate now. Then I thought it was the temporary condition of teen angst.
Radiohead – The Bends (Full Album) 1995
A better representation of Mental Anguish from Radiohead. Atmospheric chops to center you in the pain but even out the fear so you can enjoy it and if not enjoy it obtain some enlightenment to the chaos the brain brings to you unasked, unbidden.
Stabbing Westward – Save Yourself
A bit on the adolescence angst side but a self awakening when you finally realize that you’re caught in the blowing grocery bag of another episode. Especially good when you’re in the toxic clutches of a double mental illness relationship where you both set each other off and the sex is so good ’cause the chemicals drive the brain to sense with all senses as you orgasm together. I see colored auras in geometric empty shapes on the black back splash of my eyes as the rush hits my body. The horrible reality of it all is alone you both exist in the same reality plane but can’t help each other out.
White Zombie – More Human Than Human
Once your nerves are frazzled and you’ve entered the episode proper you might as well find some music to use to cruise through the bad parts. I like to drive and scream and cry when it gets bad. Weird loud and heavy satisfies me.
Nashville Pussy – Wang Dang Sweet Poontang – Weinheim 2000 – Underground Live TV recording
This may seem out of place but if I’m in a particularly dirty place I’d go see a concert with a great raw band. Nashville Pussy fits the bill with some Jameson or Whiskey Sours to ease the drive.
Rage Against The Machine – Renegades of Funk (Official Video)
Then I get angry about something, anything, usually something that has nothing to do with my MI. I know it’s out of control and will go it’s own way until it’s spent itself like a dirty hurricane.
Say jam sucker. Say jam sucker.
Say groove sucker. Say groove sucker.
Say dance sucker. Say dance sucker.
Now move sucker. Now move sucker.
Sometimes the angry music drives you to want to do something stupid. There’s nothing wrong in recognizing this. Playing a deep bass beat can help make the pounding in my head hold on to a point and ride it out. Very satisfying.
Alice In Chains – Rooster
MI is a silent struggle. People want the romance of it, the drama but they don’t want to hear the soul ripping pain that each episode brings and tears a hole in your psyche. They think they understand but they don’t. They don’t understand the alienation, the complete destruction again and again that has to be over come with rebuilding and growth that is harder and harder to place personal faith in that it’ll happen again after another episode rips apart your life and sh!ts all over your friends, family and self. Yeah, this video depicts military men and their tragedies. There are no MI sufferers who get medals for bearing the anguish that comes with nature’s cruel joke while resisting the temptations of doing what the pain bids you to do while your under the black cloud of an episode.
Soundgarden – Fell On Black Days
Let Cornell tell it: “It’s about trying to step out of being patterned and closed off and reclusive, which I’ve always had a problem with. It’s about attempting to be normal and just go out and be around other people and hang out. I have a tendency to sometimes be pretty closed off and not see people for long periods of time and not call anyone. It’s actually, in a way, a hopeful song. Especially the lines “One more time around/Might do it,” which is basically saying, ‘I tried today to understand and belong and get along with other people, and I failed, but I’ll probably try again tomorrow.’ A lot of people misinterpreted that song as a suicide-note song. Taking the word “live” too literally. “The Day I Tried to Live” means more like the day I actually tried to open up myself and experience everything that’s going on around me as opposed to blowing it all off and hiding in a cave.”
I isolate in the hopes I won’t “infect” anyone else around me with my illness. I tend to influence others in my life depending on my mood. People tell me that that’s not so but they like to deny many things that I experience. I may be ill, I’m not insensate.
Nine Inch Nails – Head Like A Hole
There are so many people out there that “want to help you!” I’ve found that that kind of good intentioned blasphemy comes with a toxic compromise to your soul. When you’re ill it’s easier to be taken advantage of. And people get lazy or they don’t understand or their empathy is absent. You have to be strongest when you’ve been kicked by your own brain into a corner. Don’t just take anyone’s hand. Remember to hang on to your anger. Don’t show it but bite the hand that feeds you pills. This is the time to let your intellect take over while letting the general public (or those who seek to temper your illness so they don’t have problems with you,) think you’re a compliant idiot.
Johnny Cash – Hurt
Still allow yourself to grieve. No one celebrates your journey through H3ll on earth. Make yourself the priority. I do this by creating my own soundtrack to the steps that I fall down in each episode. They’re the hooks that hang me at the end of the day and keep me stuck to this material plane so that the people I truly love know I will put up with anything to be there for them. You’ve got to find your motivation or the hurricane winds will drag you all over your mental junk yard.