Tags
bipolar, Blame, Communication skills, cruel, Demon, disaster, friend, hypermania, judgement, sex
Red Hot Chili Peppers – My Friends
I have friends. I do. I don’t feel like I do because my brain is a manipulative ‘jit that likes to screw with me. I have friends and then I have FRIENDS.
Friends are people just like you and me. They f^ck up. They are emotional. They are annoyed. They are whatever.
I don’t count anyone a FRIEND unless we’ve had a very big fight that we were able to work out. I don’t count the friends who have f^cked up but never mentioned it and kind of passed the incident by like it was a stinky fart that no one wanted to admit to. Not that I have never been the one to f^ck up. I try to address it and talk about it so no one’s in the dark. I hate that “I’m not really sure what happened” cr@p where my mind is left turning it over trying to decide if it’s a booger, a maggot or a road marshmallow and who left it smeared on the seat of my pants.
L is my FRIEND. We’ve had just such a fight and we talked about it. I was the one who f^cked up. She had every right to be angry at me and dump me as a “friend”. I apologized. I hate thinking about it because I hate hurting people and I absolutely hate being wrong. I drop people who can’t apologize. I have better things to do than tip toe around somebody who wants to treat me as a lesser being and then say they’re my friend.
I have friends who I’ve known longer. I’ve known H since I was in my early twenties. I have friends who I’ve known since I was a kid. History is one of those things that can bind you. Sometimes in my case it is something that can make me avoid someone.
One time when I was particularly hypomanic L wanted to get a male prostitute. She was young and she wanted more than just a vibrator. This was before the internet became really big. You’s go to the Entre Nous section of the free paper and look for the section where the professionals advertised. There weren’t many but this also wasn’t Kansas so any at all was a big deal. We found a guy who advertised and we called him.
When he answered he was skeptical. He asked us if we were just pranking him. He said usually he’d get young ladies who’d call giggling and hang up. I told him we didn’t have time for that. I talked to him, general questions until L was ready to talk to him herself. They made a date and she did meet up with him. She met with him a few times until after he moved to Boston and she didn’t hear much from him anymore.
He was gay but he was sensitive to my friend’s plight. He helped her out in a time of need. I wish I kept in touch with him but once my friend and he had a relationship going (professional or not,) I didn’t want to slurry it with my interference. Life is not perfect. People are affected by other things, people, situations, decisions in life. It is helpful to try to suspend judgement whenever possible. With my split I have a hard time looking stable to others in my life.
