The last Saturday I lost my baby. Actually he dumped me. He treated me like I was potential stalker material. I understand why he dumped me. I just wish he had the balls to come clean with me and tell me what I did that finally cut the cord. That’s okay though. He was a lawn care worker, not anything big. Not that I have anything against guys who work with their hands. I’m just reminding myself that I don’t need him, he’s not better than me. I’m perpetually stuck in my early teenaged years when it comes to dealing with relationships. I’ve had a few yet they were so toxic/abnormal/unhealthy you pick an adjective and I’ve had one of those.
So this week was not good. It wasn’t hell. I’ve had weeks like that but I’ve been able to get through them. This week I mindfully dealt with my emotions and strove to keep going while taking mental breaks when I needed them. Take for instance Tuesday. A very gentle and nice guy came and visited me. Now that sounds nice right? He triggered my PTSD and all day Monday my anxiety made my body literally shiver as if I was cold. I knew him. I had a former SO who was similar to him. And he made my anxiety come out whenever he was unstable or had an episode. Tuesday I drove a friend around as planned up to Providence to her appointments. I stayed on track and tried not to talk too much about my visitor. Once I got home I smoked and ate a half tab of Xanax.
Thursday night was particularly bad. My anxiety climbed so high that I started having a panic attack. I asked my son to do something with me. He suggested a movie and I agreed because I had no clue what would help. I smoked on the way up. The green made my anxiety climb and climb. By the time we saw the movie I was close to a panic attack. During the movie though my anxiety sank and the panic attack subsided. Afterwards I drove us home and felt almost normal. I didn’t feel like I was a total failure as I had been feeling since Saturday. Yet in the morning I awoke with anxiety again.
Today (Friday,) I spent sleeping late once I got home. I took Lorazipam and it put me out for an hour or two. I had planned on seeing two guys but one didn’t work out and the other never contacted me. Nevermind, I was happy to spend a day at home without having to entertain anyone. Tonight I go to bed very soon. I hope for some cleansing sleep without waking to horrible emotions.
Throughout this week I’ve been questioning whether or not I can be a Mommy Domme if I have such emotional issues…
Death to the Domme…? Part 1
08 Saturday Jun 2019
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