Agender, Anger, Asexual, bipolar, Blame, Communication skills, disaster, Downward Spiral, Link, Mental disorder, mental health, mental illness, Mindfulness, Past, personal, Personal Relationships, Possible Triggers, recovery, relationships, Symptoms, The Past, Transexual
I’m going “off topic” today. Really it’s not so off considering that this blog is mostly about my experiences. And this is an experience I have had.
One of my past exes told me more than a few years into our relationship and after a brake-up that he (that is what he was identifying himself as at the time so I will use that since that is what I thought he was,) actually was transgender and considered himself a she.
What would you do if a best friend or a lover or a sibling who you’d considered a particular sex all along told you that all along they considered themselves the opposite of that sex? (I know, this is about Agender people, people who don’t consider any gender identification but this post reminded me of GA.)
I didn’t handle it well. In my typical fashion I held my breath, listened and waited to see if the tide would change. Some people I know I adopt this way of dealing with communication with them so that they can change their minds or add information they need to specify requests. I didn’t agree nor did I disagree. It wasn’t for me to tell him/her who she was. I didn’t know what to think. I had approached them to see if we could get back together. I felt I really loved them even with all the serious mental illness symptoms they exhibited and the serious difficulties of keeping a difficult relationship alive. I was not perfect either and had loads of baggage and my own symptoms to contend with so I am not laying the blame at their feet.
At first they claimed to not want to get together in a serious relationship with me again much to my chagrin. I felt foolish and was ready to leave. She felt we could be good friends since I knew her as her old self. I’m ashamed to admit that I wanted to stay in any kind of relationship with this person. Not ashamed because they were transexual, ashamed because I must have been desperate to want to be in a relationship with a person who 1. wasn’t honest with me in the first place and 2. wasn’t who I thought they were in the first place. I was very confused and thought that it would settle itself out sooner or later. It did. But not until some time, abuse and damage happened.
I’m not unrealistic, I won’t tell you I was without flaw in all that happened. I will tell you that looking at the surgery that happens to someone who is interested in changing their genitals from male to female is awful. Finding out that the hormones a male takes to help his body change from male to female was depressing for me to experience with my ex as we still attempted to have sex. Intercourse became more and more difficult. For me I was seeing a person die. My ex tried to see it as a person being born but she didn’t understand that I definitely didn’t like the person she was becoming. She acted like a Junior High Schooler, tittering and experimenting with clothes and make-up and flirting and acting the girl (yes females can “act the girl” too, I have friends that put on that kind of a show when they wanted a male to do something for them; I personally find it obnoxious.) She was catty and sensitive when people gawked at her. I understand that she wanted to fit in and I didn’t have a problem with that. I did have a problem with the over acting and tried to tell her that over doing it brought more attention to her and encouraged people to gawk. And like a youngster she was angry at me for giving advice she’d asked for. She wanted blue eyeshadow and purple lipstick. I told her about using colors that were more natural and matched the tone of her skin. This ended up in an abusive screaming dressing-down in the middle of the mall about how I was just trying to make her look dull and unattractive because she was better looking than me. I walked away.
I think I saw her one last time after this. I had told myself that the online hormones she was using were making her unstable. It wasn’t her fault and she would see that too. We would hug and make up and she’d calm down a bit. And that didn’t happen. We’d made a time for me to meet her at her house. She was in the back yard digging in her garden. I approached her and said “Hi.”
She said, “Oh you.”
I said nothing, I could tell this was going to be difficult. So I asked if I could help.
She threw a trellis at me and said, “If you must go put this by the garage.”
And the red flags came out. Another transexual walked up and said “Hi,” to her. She told her she’d be ready soon. The new person looked uncomfortable. I asked GA if I had met her before. GA said, “No, this is my friend XXXX.” So I shook her hand and introduced myself. That’s when hell broke loose.
GA reamed me a new colon. It was so bad I don’t remember what she said other than basically I thought I could butt myself into her life and do what ever I wanted. I left quietly crying and wondering what I did to deserve so acrid a berating. (In my defense I put up with years of abuse at school, home and at babysitting, I’ve been trained to believe that everything that is wrong is my fault and that if someone is upset I’m responsible. SO IF YOU THINK GIVING ME ADVICE ABOUT HOW I SHOULD STAND UP FOR MYSELF ETC. ETC. ETC. I WILL IGNORE YOU OR JUST TELL YOU NO.) Later on I realized that she is just an abusive @sshole like any of my other exes. No more, no less.
I can’t talk anymore about this right now. The Agender thing will have to come later. And it wasn’t Agender that I was told it was about it was Asexual.