It’s easy to see a hurricane or tornado as they rage on about you or stumble their way toward you. When the drops comes down you know it’s a rain storm. You can see hail or sleet or snow, it’s apparent that the clouds are hurling nature’s answer to an angry weather system. What about an internal tempest? Is there always an indication that it’s coming or in action?
In trying to regulate my own issues I relate my mind to nature and it’s habit of bringing on storms. While storms in real life are relatively easy to detect and even see from afar, the ones in my mind and sometimes physical body aren’t always easily noticed, at least to me. Some occur while I stand dazed at what’s happening, wondering where did it come from and what did I do to incur it’s wrath. I sometimes believe that my mind is a separate entity and that it hates me and enjoys punishing me and that it wants me to change something but I usually don’t have a clue what. It’s frustrating to have reached this point in my life and still feel like I am not in control of my mind. There have been some changes, I’m not totally out of control. Some things have worked relatively reliably over time like music. I can sometimes direct my emotional soundtrack in my head with an iPod and headphones. Add walking to that and my mood does go up.
Tangent alert: I’m going to talk about the dating thing I’m trying out. I’ve joined 2 mental illness dating sites online. NLL is okay and managed by one man. It has a chat area, a way to search, browse and message other users. The other site is ugly (it’s dark and not very welcoming looking to me,) expensive, and there’s just something about it that turns me off. I don’t care to go on it. In fact I really haven’t contacted anyone on this site while I have contacted at least 5 guys on the other site. Plus it includes physical illness and may include people who are disability lovers but don’t have a disability themselves. That’s kind of weird to me.
Worse is me, my reaction to online dating and the realization that this isn’t what I thought it was going to be. When I started I was paranoid. People were going to see my information. I’ve always been warned to be careful in putting out too much information online. In order to get to know people you have to disclose enough so that they can disclose enough so you both feel you know something so you can communicate. If you can’t communicate you don’t get anywhere and usually you both get frustrated.
Photographs. I hate photographs. Judgemental, 2 dimensional supposed representations of who you are. I judge, you judge the whole world judges, we all know this. And usually we all agree that it is not good. At the same time how do you figure you’ll possibly be attracted to someone unless you can see what they look like. I have to be honest, A 500 lb. man will intimidate me. In my profile I write that I do not like beards because I don’t. Yes it’s shallow. Well, in my case it’s trauma induced. It can appear to others to be shallow but they don’t know the reasons behind my dislike. The first guy I met (didn’t meet him on a dating site we hooked up because of fb,) called me “interesting” although that didn’t stop him from frottage or wanting to get into my pants. Then again that means nothing when it comes to arousal. I didn’t want to post any pictures and was considering stopping all this mess. Of course I didn’t rationalizing that I would find someone who liked how I looked if I included a picture. So I am not beauty personified, I could be worse.
I started with one guy who seemed interested in me. He seemed a bit cultured and interesting. I asked him questions about himself. I chatted with him then chatted privately. We took if off site. The sexting happened twice, fast, easy hot then gone. He wanted a picture. I backed off a bit and considered what to do. I resented being asked as I hate personal photographs. I think he felt that and he disappeared leaving me a nice “I am really busy right now” message in his wake.
Well anyway it went on from there, sexting with another even though I knew I should slow it down. I was very angry with myself and it wasn’t even satisfying for them or me. The next two guys I talked to off site but the first told I wouldn’t sext with him. I want a real relationship and doing that seems bogus and cheap. The next guy really didn’t seem to be occupied with sex. He seemed to literally be an “angry young man”. We talked for 6 hours all night. When he found out my son was 6 years younger than him he backed off (yesterday.) I’m not upset, he seemed kind of uneducated and immature for 36. This is not sour grapes. I know if we had actually hooked up and gotten serious I would have gotten frustrated with some of his opinions. And he was very opinionated. Which isn’t necessarily bad just that if you are opinionated, get your facts straight and back up your beliefs.
I’m still talking to the guy that I sexted but frustrated And the second guy off site who I told no to. I write messages to 3 different other guys but I refuse to deal with the sex issue. I don’t want to feel like I am involved with a guy that way when sexting is really disposable. It’s like sex in a bathroom. Hot when it happens but dirty and sad when it’s over. I and I’m sure the guy I did it with probably don’t want to continue with anything serious after that.
I really feel from the start I took this endeavor way too seriously. I attached my sense of looks, my identity and my commitment to an initial step in meeting men. I got loyal with some of them, emotionally threw myself at others and became attached to the idea of what I wanted some of them to be. It really sucked. One of them had a good suggestion that I should back off from the site at one point. I listened and was able to get a small bit of perspective of how I looked, what I was doing and where it would get me. I was thankful for his suggestion and every now and then it helps me continue with this venture.
I decided to supplement this with real world experiences. I go to a Meetup group every week to help me talk to other people, men and women, not about dating but about illness. I seek other real time experiences, male, female, mixed company so I can just learn how to calm down and be human. I mean that sounds dopey but I think that experiences and people meeting is important in learning social interactions and learning how I react to others in this world. And it takes the edge off the goal of meeting a potential mate, partner or whatever.