These are unedited. The spelling is bad. My life is getting unmanageable right now so I want you to enjoy a bit of my brother’s life as he manages his own problems in his own unique way. Yes he is inappropriate at times. Yes everything is verbatim. No he’s not mentally ill.
Monday April 20th 2015
So I hear a knock on the door and I make the mistake and open it. There stands the Green Lawn sales man. He says ” Can I ask you a question?”
I reply ” Shot chief”
He ask “Do you know why your grass is brown?”
I answer ” Because it likes to get on down”
He is not amused.
I go on” It is not brown, it is tan and that color is grand. By the way white is the color of the big boss man.”
Still not amused. He starts his sales pitch about all the things they can do to make my grass green and be the envy of my neighborhood. God knows that is my life goal, to be the envy of my hood.
When he is done I reply. ” I like my grass tan. Looks like I live on the beach but without the problem of tracking sand through the house”
Sales guy still not amused hands me his card and walks away.
I say “ALOHA”
Tuesday April 19th 2015
So my wife and kids went to Vegas for the week to visit her parents. When they got to their seats on the plane, my oldest daughter who is autistic was making noise. It is difficult for her in new places and sometimes she needs to do this to clam herself down. It is a series of humming noises. Anyhow this teenage girl in front of them turned around and asked my wife to quit her down. My wife not one for confrontation, just gave her a dirty look.
Reminded me of the last time I was on a plane with my daughter and she was having problems with altitude pressure. This large man sitting in front of me made a comment ” Ugh I wish that kid would shut up, so annoying”
I replied in a loud voice, “Yea, it is as annoying as a fat prick who has his seat reclined all the way back and smell like shit.” I do not have the same restraints as my wife.
|April 6 at 10:02pm ·|
Conversation with a 6 year old- Set up working, 10 am sat morning, have TV on Mystery at the Museum. All of a sudden a Cialis commercial comes on. Really it is 10 in the morning. Starts talking about problems with sex. Grab the remote change channel. Not quick enough.
6 yr old – “Dad what is sex?”
Me – ” Can I plead the 5th on this one?”
6 yr old- ” Give it up old man”
Me – “You know I told you if you ever have a question you can ask me. Also you know that sometimes I can not give you the full explanation at this time, do to some subject matter might not be appropriate at your age. Kind of like some movies you can watch till you get older.
6 yr old “Yes, so what can I know?”
Me – “Ok I am going to give you the disney version for now.” Deep breath – ” Sex is what mommy and daddy do to make babies.”
Long uncomfortable pause
6 yr old – ” So you and mommy have had sex twice?”
Me – “Sounds about right”
6 yr old – ” Ok I am going to color”
|April 4 at 9:50am ·|
Sad news today, had to put I good friend to rest. I was jumping roping the other day and the sole of my sneaker flew off. I love those sneakers. Were given to me by Michael H. Black vans wore them for 6 years straight. I hate buying shoes, really bumb i had to get a new pair. I went out in the garage and under the stairs found a pair of sneakers. Clean out the spider webs, fit like a glove. Do not have to buy a new pair of shoes. Thanks Black vans I know you are looking down from shoe heaven.
|March 26 at 9:08pm ·|
Conversations with a 5 yr old- MORE BATHROOM SLANG- Set up me doing the dishes. 5 yr old “Dad I got to use the potty”
5 yr old goes to bathroom comes rate out.-“Dad someone drop bass and did not take that brown down to funky town!!!! Thats not cool.”
me – ” I dig ”
|March 18 ·|
Conversation with a 5 yr old – Set up- Mom helping 5 yr old with kindergarten homework. Homework- read the words HE and SHE, Then wright a sentence for each word.
5 yr old- Mom how this – She saw he at the Store.
Mom- No it would be -She saw him at the store. Why don’t you write a sentence for each word.
5 yr old- I want to use both words in one sentence. Daddy can you use both words in one sentence?
Me- The chick with the adams apple is a he she.
|March 17 ·|
Conversation with a 5 yr old about my upcoming birthday. Sitting at the breakfast table
Wife Ask- “What do you want to do for your birthday?”
5 yr old – ” Dad wants to drink beer and watch Hockey”
Me- ” BINGOL, WE HAVE A WINNER!!!”
|March 5 ·|
Conversation with a 5yr old. Back story we go grocery shopping every Tuesday after Karate. Every time we go To to the grocery store she wants to use the bathroom. I hate it, I have a phobia about public bathrooms, they creep me out. ANyhow realize the kid has been picking up a lot of my sayings. We enter bathroom
5 yr old – ” Damn someone is skunking this joint up Dad.”
Me ” SHH I think they are still here”
5 yr old – ” Still snapping? PHEWWW that boys got to send that brick to the bone yard.”
Loud laughter form the stall.
|February 13 ·|
Conversation with a 5 yr old- set up driving listening to The Worried song Ton of Bricks.
Me- O did you see that?
5yr old – I didn’t see shit
Me- Excuse me! Did I just hear what you said? Were did you hear that?
5yr old – From the guy singing the song. Isn’t he your friend? What is his name?
Me- Dennis Kelly
5yr old – If Dennis can say it, why can’t I?
Me- #1 Dennis is a grown up. #2 he is using it in the context of the song in a artistic way
5 yr old- What?
Me – Listen When you are older you will understand when and when not ot use certain words. For now do not use that word OK?
5 yr old – Ok ,Can not wait till I grow up so I can say Shit in artistic way.