I wanted to add a video that was either relevant or one I liked. I got nothing people.
I was having one of those conversations inside my head talking to my Mother’s friends. I was trying to explain to them why I haven’t gotten back in touch with them even though I look like I’m doing nothing. I can’t explain to normal human beings why I act the way I do. It’s not acceptable to bring out uncomfortable issues in public. I don’t like being by myself all the time the way I usually am. I just know it’s safer. I hate seeing confusion and disappointment on other people’s faces especially people I like. I am an exposed nerve walking around without flesh to protect myself from speaking the truth.
In my head I told those people I miss my Mother like I miss clean air. I think my Mother would understand what I mean by that. Maybe, Maybe her friends would too, the ones that went out on the ocean on scientific vessels to do their experiments. People who work in Boston but live on the ocean in Rhode Island would understand. Maybe. They might understand the difference but maybe don’t understand what I mean. If you really want to know what I mean go to Alaska for a year and then come back to where ever you live. You’d really understand.
I was thinking today that I hate that I’m white. I’m lucky and I enjoy the privileges that come so easy to being white. There’s more to it like I think the people that I know who are not white probably think I’m luckier than I really am. They probably imagine my life as a “Leave It To Beaver” episode. What’s worse, my children who’s fathers are of other races see me and know that we are not the same. They feel I can’t relate to them and in a way I can’t. And I thought that their beauty, their lovely skin, their exotic eyes, their full heads of hair were gifts. They meant so much to me. It’s the curse of being a parent. I thought they understood my admiration of their fathers’ differences. To them they don’t lack those gifts that I wish I had.
I am never alone when I am by myself. All the people I’ve known occupy my head. Even friends from childhood. The problem is that all the good and the bad lives in my head. I argue more than I have peaceful conversations. I sometimes have to defend myself from the ugly humans I’ve met. And then there is the unsavory part of me that angers and seethes.
I have been thinking about the trip to Alaska that I am going to take. All the people I loved there are dead or maybe gone. I don’t know who to contact except K and he won’t speak to me. He’s got his family and i told him not to come to RI. His wife would probably think we were still involved. That’s the way it goes with things in Alaska. It’s small and emotions run red.
My sister wants to come and now my niece does too. I intended on going with my Mother and my sons originally so they could see what was a part of my history. My Mother was with me originally when we lived there. My sister and niece have never been there. I wonder if I will become angry with them. They aren’t bad people but this is a personal issue. I have kept my personal issues separated from my sister, never mind my niece. I think for my niece it will be a sight seeing tourist thing. Ugh. For my sister it may be more personal. Ammunition to degrade me? Maybe. A curious lookie-loo into a part of my life and maybe psyche that she’s never seen before? Maybe. Maybe she just wants a tourist trip, I don’t know There are unresolved issues in Alaska that I want to face and I don’t want my raw @ss hanging out for my family to see. Except the boys. They have seen me under duress.
I am careful with people when it comes to showing my strengths and weaknesses. People judge so easily. And people who know you use information like that to hurt you. Actually I try to be careful, sometimes I’m a braggart, that nasty part of my personality that tries to prove I’m not the imbecile my parents believed me to be my whole childhood. I have a hard time trying to contra; that part of me that makes me look like a know-it-all. I have so many flaws and they are a big reason I hide away from other people.
Lately my sister and I have “grown apart”, meaning that she looks for ways not to come over. I guess we were suppose to bond over my Mother’s death but I don’t bond well with people who have f^cked me over in the past. I don’t forgive easily. Especially if I’ve been taught over and over that I am not important enough to not be screwed over. I’ve come to the conclusion that certain people are blind to how they f^ck other people particularly their family members or the ones they supposedly love. My Mother knew Erika was like this and she accepted it. The animals Erika dumped on her. The tools she permanently borrowed from my father. The items around the house she’d give to her friends. And she’d never ask permission.
I realize that it’s a little late to bring this up. Unfortunately I don’t give a sh!t. I can’t turn a blind eye and make pretend it isn’t happening like my Mother did to keep everything on an even keel in the family. I’ve been stewing in it. And I want a good way to deal with it.